Direction, purpose and understanding..

As usual, here I am again, due to my never-ending train of thought.. Since the reasons for the thoughts themselves are of no consequence, I guess I shall not waste time on such trivial matters and get straight to the point (or rather, as 'straight' to the point as is possible with me!)

I guess I always knew this, yet it has become startlingly clear in the recent past. We always search for a purpose, for a niche we fit into. I'm not sure if we all know it inherently and are just blinded by the mundane, but now that I see it, I realise I knew it all along.

It is startling how much we know, yet are not aware of, which is another realisation in itself!

I am the colloquial manifestation of a 'freak'- an anomaly. Something that cannont be understood, because it is different to what is normal, or rather, what is normal for a human. I've always lived my life feeling out of place, unable to quite fit in. Its not even funny how many times, and through how many lips I've heard words similar to 'you're different' or 'you don't count' when I point out that my behaviour contradicts a generalization that was just made. I'm also sure that if anyone who knows me reads this, while they will be denying this consciously, a tiny voice at the back of their heads will echo the truth in these words. Because to know me is to know this is true. I am unique, like everyone else, yet I am unique even in my uniqueness. Maybe this is merely a self absorbed ramble, but I guess its justified, seeing that thats exactly the purpose of a blog- just a way of documenting one's own thoughts, and it doesn't take a genius to know who'll take prominence there!

This leads to my next point- the fact that my constant companion shall always be solitude. Over and over, I find that it is only myself who understands me. Looking back, I realise that it seems to have been that way from the beginning. While I was always adaptable, it was more a necessity than a longing. I'm not saying that there was never a time where acceptance played a major part in my decisions, but most often in my life, it has not. I've rarely ever cared what people thought or think, as it really makes no difference to me. The only exception is that which those I care about think and feel. Yet even that is for their sake rather than mine. So my level of attachment to most things should be evident by now. 

It will be interesting, to say the least, how accurate this will be in time. Oh, I have not overlooked the possibility that this is a phase, a figment of my imagination, in order to deal with the harsh reality of life. Possible, true- yet probable? Unlikely. But interesting it will indeed be, and possibly revealing, if I do ever re-visit these records of my thoughts, as this is intended to be.



And the conclusion? Where am I heading with all this? The conclusion is the realisation that I am a solitary being. Singular, never to be multiple. There was a brief period of my life that I believed otherwise, but that has passed. I am surrounded by a small circle, and that shall remain- a circle, rather than a sphere- surrounding, yet never becoming one. I see that more clearly than ever. I guess my life and normal were never meant to collide. Even if they did, as happened that one time, it tips things so off balance, that those two elements need to be separate once more for things to be right again, which is what happened. So why deny the obvious? Acceptance they say is the key to peace, and after all, is peace not the elusive goal? Its ironic, in a way, that I should be as I am- a solitary being, who cannot help but be the center of attention, for some forsaken reason. While others crave such a thing, I cannot fathom why it would be necessary, as attention is not something that one should lust after. Such a pity, that I can't actually be in the shadows, the background, where I feel comfortable. Yet I can always try- in fact, I'm slowly but surely slipping into just that sort of routine. Its FAR from easy, escaping this inexplicably attractive force that seems to surround me, but maybe, just maybe, it will be worth the effort. So, in the words of some famous musician (whose name I cannot recall at this moment) 'I walk alone'..........

The Dragon soars........

Unless I'm personally known to you, I assume the reason you stopped to read this is because of the unusual heading. Therefore i feel it important to explain the choice of "theme", as it were. At the outset let me say that this is a blog which is derived from my other, which came into existence partially due to a circumstance that no longer exists. I take this opportunity to thank the person responsible for that circumstance, for introducing me to the world of blogging, which is indeed proving to be an invaluable form of release. Therefore the times of the initial posts of this blog will not accurately reflect a valid timeline, and they will most likely be a better explained version of a somewhat lesser understood experience (in short, a brushed up copy-paste job, to reflect the improved understanding). As I feel that experience must not be shunned, but rather given its due place, I have taken the longer (and more tedious) path of separating my reality from a brief era of my life. I do not regret that brief era, as it has taught me much about myself; but I feel that I confused many of my own characteristics as being the product of the phenomenon most of us loosely term "Love", which flawed my understanding at that time. This deviation is the result of a "revelation", if you will, of my being an Empath. The explanation of that particular fact I shall leave for later, but for now I shall focus on the use of the Dragon as my character.

It must be understood that it is not merely a senseless, childish obsession with Dragons. My use of the term 'merely' is because, on some level, it could be said to be that as well! However, in typical fashion, my adoption of this particular (arguably) mythical creature as a metaphor, I would say, is not entirely unfounded. Since to explain in detail my justification in its entirety would be a daunting (and somewhat useless) en devour, let me limit it to what follows (if "limit" is the correct term here!!);

We have all heard about Dragons, in some manner or form, be it in a fairytale (most often) as the villain, as a character in a novel (be it inanimate or otherwise), or as part of traditional myth (especially in countries of the Asian region). Therefore it would be unnatural for one to disagree with such a statement. However, i would like to pose a simple question- WHAT is a Dragon? And here lies the rub. For I'm sure that though you might have just embarked on a lengthy mental explanation by way of an answer, would you be able to verify such a description? For a Dragon, unlike most other creatures we have come across, is mythical. Which is to say that a description, wherever it be from, has little to no chance of being accurate, as I think we all know what happens to anything, on it's journey through many lips (the longer the journey, the grater the effect!). Therefore, one could say that the best (and possibly the only) description would be to say that it is a mystery. However, i hope you did not mistake my statement to mean that i believe that a Dragon is NOT a being, on the basis that it's existence has not been proven. On the contrary! I would even venture so far as to say that to me, It is more real than most other beings. For, to me it symbolises much. Though the image of the Dragon may be distorted in most instances, one has to look no further than the Chinese culture to understand the beauty and respect it is associated with. The ancient Chinese even went so far as to believe that the reason the day ended was because the great Dragon swallows the Sun, each day at a particular time. This larger-than-life image symbolises the perception some people had of a creature that some cultures would consider to be a "dreaded" beast. Therefore in my highly biased opinion, the Dragon is a very real being.

Now to the reason I see the Dragon as a metaphorical illustration myself- I'm sure that by this point, I have adequately explained what the Dragon means to me, as a person. To me, a Dragon is a being that is real, even though I cannot prove to you its existence. It gives me an insight into the manner in which perceptions can differ drastically, through the contrasting views of different cultures. But at the end of the day, the benefit of understanding a Dragon can be enjoyed only by those who bother to understand it. Which is the same outlook I have in my life. I do not wish to influence the opinion people have of me. Their perceptions, or views, have no bearing on my existence. I will always remain who I am, regardless of what others see me as being. Furthermore, the sensations of alienation and being misunderstood being my old and familiar friends, it is easy for me to relate to what a Dragon would go through during its existence; Soaring above everything, seeing the world from a distance, never to be truly a part of it; never to fit in, or be understood; always different, rarely believed to exist, and never quite seen for what it is. So I feel I am, in fact, seeing life through the eyes of a Dragon. So thus begins a record of my journey.........