Out cold...

Unfortunately, the topic is not regarding the mundane incident of my black out post alcohol abuse. It is more indicative of the general emotional state that is fast becoming the norm.

My recent absence has been due to the many times my desires to come here and jot down some of my numerous takes on various situations have been unfulfilled due to the general pace of life, and also technological difficulties (more like "difficulty", specifically the malfunction of the previous version of the editor in this site!), but mainly I guess its the anti-social sentiments which are creeping in on some unexplained level. Long story short, this post is way overdue (even though it won't really attempt to minimize the effects of the absence).

This is probably the paragraph where I whine about life in general, but.. that is when I remember I can't get myself to care anymore. I despise the increasing regularity with which life sharpens the bitterness I have carried for far too long. I'm fast becoming numb to the point of not having the energy or the inclination to bother to even complain anymore. The general sentiment is cold indifference, and a lack of energy or inclination to even care about THAT. If not for a handful of people who mean the world to me, (specially one, who's taken me by surprise- to put it lightly) I probably would be past feeling the need to blog, which actually would have been scary not so long ago; but not anymore.. What it means, even I'm not aware of.. Only time will tell I guess....

Life goes on.. I no longer look ahead, nor behind.. Its supposedly to be the most prudent form of existence, but its unnaturalness is leaving me feeling anything but. Life has now become a "take each day as it comes", with the inclusion of "and don't give a fuck".  Mind, I would not complain in the least if even a little smidgen of positivity that this mentality is supposed to be accompanied by comes my way, but then- nothing new there is it?? Life has never been in a generous mood when it comes to giving me my due.. Or maybe I have just set my expectations too high? (which would be ironic, considering that I can't discern what my expectations ARE anymore, leave alone evaluate the feasibility of the same).

I await the day when I can recover a semblance of "normalcy" which I have a vague recollection of once having within my grasp. But my fingers aren't crossed. It may come, it may not; quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So we'll see how it goes..  Let us see what the future holds in this, my cursed existence........

To be human..

There are so many things people take for granted about themselves.. The more 'natural' and 'mundane' the particular quality or trait, the less people realise the possibility of losing it.. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if what I'm about to say qualifies as one of those things, because it is so basic and intrinsic of human nature, that it may not (under normal circumstances) be something that can disappear.. Yet this is, once again, about me- and I'm not sure I quite make the cut for 'normal'- that may very well be an unattainable promotion..

What makes us human? Some say its the ability to feel another's pain.. Some say its to not be perfect.. Others have so many varying and sometimes contrasting views, that I do not quite care to list them down.. But the question is, what about the ability to be affected by what happens to you? Is that an essential requirement of being human? Empathy is most often thought to be a true human quality, but empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.. What about for oneself? Is it necessary? What if one loses that ability, to be affected as one should? What then?

I've always known I was different.. Always felt a bystander, a person pretending to be who he technically is.. I can feel another's pain, but I'm beginning to lose the sensation of my own.. My reactions to events have become just that- reactions.. Rather than create a chain of emotion of either happiness or sadness, there is only the initial reaction- which lasts maybe the length of time it takes for a small nap, like a thread desperately grasped at which nonetheless slips through my fingers.. I know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, and how I'm SUPPOSED to react.. The problem is, day by day, I feel more and more that its becoming harder and harder to be what I'm SUPPOSED to be.. 

All my life, I've felt like I'm not supposed to be here- like I'm some colossal mistake, or some cosmic joke.. Just some prank or the result of a misguided attempt at a quick fix on some mega-scale system failure.. I used to have dreams, which I felt were the only way I could still keep believing myself to be just like everyone else, and somehow feel like I have a place.. Now it seems painfully obvious that I need to accept reality.. I am who I am, and whatever I believe, I can't change it.. I will always be the exception, never quite understood, and (as alarming as this last one is, especially) fast losing my ability to actively participate, since it seems more and more that my feelings are merely a mimic of those which belong to people around me, and not entirely my own; my own seem to be lost.. Honestly, I wonder if I'm still ABLE to feel, for myself; If I have any emotions left, emotions that go further than automatic initial reactions which die no sooner they appear.. Its the equivalent of a dead limb moving when prodded, only to fall back to its original position; dead, cold, and dysfunctional.. I'm not even entirely sure thats a bad thing, or if there IS a good and bad anymore.. I've been given a life (for whatever the reason) and I've to do whatever necessary to maintain it.. That seems to be all I know anymore.. I guess as always, I shall accept it, and move on.. For there is no point in lusting after what clearly is not supposed to be mine.. 

Dawn of yet another year..........

So, the strangest beginning to a new annum I have yet come across, it feels like I am walking in the middle of chaos; of so many things happening around me, somewhat like the eye of the storm, yet somehow throughly detached. It seems I maybe able to add "dyslexic" to my self-description, which if proven (while solving the one major conundrum I've been plagued by, relating to an inexplicably constant failure) will come with its own set of new complications. But we cannot change what is, and as I'm fast becoming accustomed to, I shall accept and deal with the consequences of the new knowledge when I have indeed proven it to be so. However, this post is about the year that we have stepped into, so I shall delve into as much...

It is strange, for me, who has been used to a semblance of an ordinary life, to step into a new year as I have this time; a "new" year brings with it, usually, many dreams, aspirations, the sense of getting another chance, a "new beginning...... in short, it comes with much hope. What we individually hope for defers from person to person, and what may have been important to me, may not mean much to you. Yet, strangely, this year comes with no such hope for me. I think I should explain that this doesn't mean that I've lost hope, that I've become so cynical that I can see no future; it means something else completely. I  wouldn't expect this to be understood, truth be told, yet I wish to record the "emotions" (if they can be called as such) as best I can for future reference. So let me try to elaborate...

I have no "hope", because for there to be hope, there must be wants and/or needs. It is generally such an inherently ingrained trait of humanity, that it is indeed difficult to look at one's life devoid of it. Yet here I am, all of a sudden lacking that fundamental characteristic, which we all take for granted. As to what impact a lack of reason for hope would have on my "humanity", I'd rather not contemplate. Yet, it is what it is... Here I stand, peering into the unknown depths of a fresh annum, with a lack of hope.. It is indeed strange, to be of such a neutral persuasion, but what can one do but see things as they are? I'm quite certain most people have already pinned this outlook as "cynical" and being a by-product of becoming unexpectedly and suddenly single; I have not, and have decided not to, bother to correct them, as I shall not bother to further explain how being "neutral" and "cynical" are two completely different things.

This, however, has afforded me with an advantage; I am now able to take each day at a time, and deal with things as they come. When one has no expectations, one has no disappointment; while many (admittedly like myself not so long ago!!) try to avoid expectation in order to avoid disappointment, as with all things, the mere "want" to avoid expectation is far from enough to actually be successful in avoiding it. This is, of course, an observation I make now, as I simply do not have expectations (as opposed to shunning expectation through a conscious effort), yet even the limited success one achieves at avoiding expectation is valuable, so one must not give it up, if disappointment is so strongly loathed!!

All things said and done, I face the year with no hope- yet, strangely, I do not feel empty as one might expect to feel in my position. It is interesting that I am still able to relate to another's emotions, and able to be useful as a friend/family member, or sometimes even merely as an acquaintance (yes, I still do feel the occasional need or want to help someone if I feel I can, and this sometimes includes acquaintances as well!!); yet personally, I merely have started seeing life as a journey that one is on, and as such one must do what is necessary to continue on that journey as best one can. Where my journey will take me, I've suddenly stopped worrying about, and while it is strange, I feel no worry or doubt; I am content. So, in conclusion, life continues.......