So, the strangest beginning to a new annum I have yet come across, it feels like I am walking in the middle of chaos; of so many things happening around me, somewhat like the eye of the storm, yet somehow throughly detached. It seems I maybe able to add "dyslexic" to my self-description, which if proven (while solving the one major conundrum I've been plagued by, relating to an inexplicably constant failure) will come with its own set of new complications. But we cannot change what is, and as I'm fast becoming accustomed to, I shall accept and deal with the consequences of the new knowledge when I have indeed proven it to be so. However, this post is about the year that we have stepped into, so I shall delve into as much...
It is strange, for me, who has been used to a semblance of an ordinary life, to step into a new year as I have this time; a "new" year brings with it, usually, many dreams, aspirations, the sense of getting another chance, a "new beginning...... in short, it comes with much hope. What we individually hope for defers from person to person, and what may have been important to me, may not mean much to you. Yet, strangely, this year comes with no such hope for me. I think I should explain that this doesn't mean that I've lost hope, that I've become so cynical that I can see no future; it means something else completely. I wouldn't expect this to be understood, truth be told, yet I wish to record the "emotions" (if they can be called as such) as best I can for future reference. So let me try to elaborate...
I have no "hope", because for there to be hope, there must be wants and/or needs. It is generally such an inherently ingrained trait of humanity, that it is indeed difficult to look at one's life devoid of it. Yet here I am, all of a sudden lacking that fundamental characteristic, which we all take for granted. As to what impact a lack of reason for hope would have on my "humanity", I'd rather not contemplate. Yet, it is what it is... Here I stand, peering into the unknown depths of a fresh annum, with a lack of hope.. It is indeed strange, to be of such a neutral persuasion, but what can one do but see things as they are? I'm quite certain most people have already pinned this outlook as "cynical" and being a by-product of becoming unexpectedly and suddenly single; I have not, and have decided not to, bother to correct them, as I shall not bother to further explain how being "neutral" and "cynical" are two completely different things.
This, however, has afforded me with an advantage; I am now able to take each day at a time, and deal with things as they come. When one has no expectations, one has no disappointment; while many (admittedly like myself not so long ago!!) try to avoid expectation in order to avoid disappointment, as with all things, the mere "want" to avoid expectation is far from enough to actually be successful in avoiding it. This is, of course, an observation I make now, as I simply do not have expectations (as opposed to shunning expectation through a conscious effort), yet even the limited success one achieves at avoiding expectation is valuable, so one must not give it up, if disappointment is so strongly loathed!!
All things said and done, I face the year with no hope- yet, strangely, I do not feel empty as one might expect to feel in my position. It is interesting that I am still able to relate to another's emotions, and able to be useful as a friend/family member, or sometimes even merely as an acquaintance (yes, I still do feel the occasional need or want to help someone if I feel I can, and this sometimes includes acquaintances as well!!); yet personally, I merely have started seeing life as a journey that one is on, and as such one must do what is necessary to continue on that journey as best one can. Where my journey will take me, I've suddenly stopped worrying about, and while it is strange, I feel no worry or doubt; I am content. So, in conclusion, life continues.......
This, however, has afforded me with an advantage; I am now able to take each day at a time, and deal with things as they come. When one has no expectations, one has no disappointment; while many (admittedly like myself not so long ago!!) try to avoid expectation in order to avoid disappointment, as with all things, the mere "want" to avoid expectation is far from enough to actually be successful in avoiding it. This is, of course, an observation I make now, as I simply do not have expectations (as opposed to shunning expectation through a conscious effort), yet even the limited success one achieves at avoiding expectation is valuable, so one must not give it up, if disappointment is so strongly loathed!!
All things said and done, I face the year with no hope- yet, strangely, I do not feel empty as one might expect to feel in my position. It is interesting that I am still able to relate to another's emotions, and able to be useful as a friend/family member, or sometimes even merely as an acquaintance (yes, I still do feel the occasional need or want to help someone if I feel I can, and this sometimes includes acquaintances as well!!); yet personally, I merely have started seeing life as a journey that one is on, and as such one must do what is necessary to continue on that journey as best one can. Where my journey will take me, I've suddenly stopped worrying about, and while it is strange, I feel no worry or doubt; I am content. So, in conclusion, life continues.......
