Well, I don't know if they are necessarily "subliminal" since I'm actually articulating them, but well....artistic license and all that if you will!
After a VERY long time, I am doing good. Possibly the best I've ever been, and due to no external element- which is nice. I have grown into what I feel is a...shall we say.....sufficiently self-proficient being. So far, I find this to be the most effective attitude/perception/philosophy. Self-reliance means that you don't depend on others to stay sane, or cope- which leads to a lot less hurt and pain. After all, if you don't depend on people to hold yourself up, and if you can not allow others to affect your...."palace" (shall we call it)...you find that you are able to control your life to a great extent because you stop reacting to everything around you and instead choose your actions. Granted there is still much which isn't within your control, but at least you've taken hold of those things you can. It gives one strength to know that, at least it does to this "one".
It does, however, also increase that feeling of loneliness. You realise then, that all these things are merely a way in which you cope with that reality which, (although you've come to accept) you know is still nagging you deep within. That reality that you feel incredibly alone, not so much because you have no one but rather because you realise that there is unlikely to be anyone who really can understand and be there. So you put on a brave face, you stay positive, and are generally happy. In fact, most of the time you feel great- especially considering the stark contrast the present is to the deep hole you didn't even dare to look out of because you feared that the contrast the light created to your surroundings would quell even your tenuous logical argument to carry on.
Either way, I feel for now I have found the best balance I can. I have stopped expecting or caring particularly about maturity or sense in others, as it is becoming increasingly rare. In fact, for the most part I feel I just immerse myself in my surroundings without really looking at how I fit in, the larger picture if you will. This makes all of the above insignificant. I do worry, though, that my disinterest in actively maintaining relationships will make me mechanical and.....cold. People might stop actually attempting to keep me in their/stay in my life. Of course, there is likely always going to be new people, but one never knows such things. I guess the problem with being over-sensitive is that you reach that point where you would rather avoid stimuli than face the barrage if you don't.
I am becoming increasingly solitary, and this is starting more and more to sound like the journal entries of a man alone on an island detailing his existence lest he forget he does. However, the duration of this post is as long as I'm willing to dwell on it at this point of time. Maybe I will have to deal with it later, but that is (as they say) a "tale for another day"......
