I have come to realise that as of late, I am going through an extreme sense of detachment. Not that I was ever the type to be particularly attached, for quite some time now. However, I have noticed an increase in its intensity. As of late, I no longer actively pursue ANY sort of relationship. Rather, my relationships have gained a more....reactive tone, shall we say?
What I mean is that I rarely initiate contact with people without a plausible reason. Yes, it is quite a secluded existence and yes, I do get lonely. However, given my two conditions which I must balance, at the moment it is the easiest way to balance things out. I no longer wish to do more than "make myself available" if and when the few people I have allowed into my life in a true sense (and have remained) need someone. It is in a sense helpful, because that way you stop worrying. Rather I stop worrying.
I stop worrying that a young girl will grow up with habits which will make it extremely difficult for people to care about her. I stop worrying that a guy who suffers from a diagnosed mental illness will continue to surround himself with spoilt immature and selfish people and find out too late that none of those people will actually be there when shit hits the fan. I stop worrying that a girl will make life choices based on sympathy, succumbing to social pressure and her own empathy ultimately assigning a life of dissatisfaction and regret to herself. In short, I stop worrying.
Well, not quite. As the above would indicate, I think I would be fooling no one to say that I do NOT worry at all. Rather, I have understood that these things are beyond my control. I have also realised that I need to pay close attention to my own volatile mental state, because...lets face it, its not like anyone ELSE is going to! So, detachment it is....
