Subliminal concerns

Well, I don't know if they are necessarily "subliminal" since I'm actually articulating them, but well....artistic license and all that if you will!

After a VERY long time, I am doing good. Possibly the best I've ever been, and due to no external element- which is nice. I have grown into what I feel is a...shall we say.....sufficiently self-proficient being. So far, I find this to be the most effective attitude/perception/philosophy. Self-reliance means that you don't depend on others to stay sane, or cope- which leads to a lot less hurt and pain. After all, if you don't depend on people to hold yourself up, and if you can not allow others to affect your...."palace" (shall we call it)...you find that you are able to control your life to a great extent because you stop reacting to everything around you and instead choose your actions. Granted there is still much which isn't within your control, but at least you've taken hold of those things you can. It gives one strength to know that, at least it does to this "one".

It does, however, also increase that feeling of loneliness. You realise then, that all these things are merely a way in which you cope with that reality which, (although you've come to accept) you know is still nagging you deep within. That reality that you feel incredibly alone, not so much because you have no one but rather because you realise that there is unlikely to be anyone who really can understand and be there. So you put on a brave face, you stay positive, and are generally happy. In fact, most of the time you feel great- especially considering the stark contrast the present is to the deep hole you didn't even dare to look out of because you feared that the contrast the light created to your surroundings would quell even your tenuous logical argument to carry on.

Either way, I feel for now I have found the best balance I can. I have stopped expecting or caring particularly about maturity or sense in others, as it is becoming increasingly rare. In fact, for the most part I feel I just immerse myself in my surroundings without really looking at how I fit in, the larger picture if you will. This makes all of the above insignificant. I do worry, though, that my disinterest in actively maintaining relationships will make me mechanical and.....cold. People might stop actually attempting to keep me in their/stay in my life. Of course, there is likely always going to be new people, but one never knows such things. I guess the problem with being over-sensitive is that you reach that point where you would rather avoid stimuli than face the barrage if you don't.

I am becoming increasingly solitary, and this is starting more and more to sound like the journal entries of a man alone on an island detailing his existence lest he forget he does. However, the duration of this post is as long as I'm willing to dwell on it at this point of time. Maybe I will have to deal with it later, but that is (as they say) a "tale for another day"......

Depression and the empathic mind...

So I'm finally emerging from the depths of a particularly dark and extended spell of depression. I feel so much better now, especially in contrast to what I was feeling (or rather wasn't feeling) for so long. It makes life that much easier to live, because you now need so much less to feel positive than you used to. But that is not what I came here to articulate, so let me move on swiftly...

As is usually my manner, I spent the better part of my depression attempting to analyze and deal with it like I usually do. You'll note that I used the word "attempting" in conjunction with "analyze and deal with", instead of the latter by themselves. This is because, for the fist time, something strange happened. I was actually unable to deal with my own emotions or lack thereof. And I could not for the life of me understand why I, who is the very person who preaches about dealing with problems rather than avoiding them for later, could not practice what I'd preached.

You see, I was faced with a massive dilemma. I was experiencing the void of emotion (apathy) that is depression, which meant that I had no feelings; that I was numb (if you want to understand this better, please visit Hyperbole and a half's blog posts here (1) and here (2) ). But then, there was the fact that I was feeling the emotions of others as acutely as before; even more so perhaps, as I was now essentially an empty vessel. And this obviously added to the insignificance I felt, and led to a suspicion that I no longer had a sense of....self. It makes sense if you think about it- if you have a glass jar which was once full, but now is empty, with so many different concoctions being poured into it, obviously you will eventually almost forget that the jar exists and that it had its own contents save when you wonder how the various concoctions are held in place. That, essentially, was a fairly decent analogy to my inner self; my soul, my emotional center.

So obviously rather than connect the two facts, that I was both an empath and suffering from severe depression, I considered something else. I started to consider that perhaps the acuteness of the emotions which I had felt had taken over so much space in my head, that I no longer able to feel for myself. That in turn bred a terrible resentment within me, which was aimed at something that is essentially my core; my empathy. Needless to say this made an almost impossible situation in fact impossible for quite some time. And all the while there I was, living other people's lives vicariously, with little to no warning and almost no control over it. I cannot explain how....lost you feel. You relate to people not because you empathise anymore, not quite. You relate to them because you LITERALLY know what they are feeling, albeit without having experienced what they are experiencing in order to feel the way they do. So its like this dysfunctional mimicry or duplication of a beings emotions in an empty shell which then objectively analyses it and not only breaks it down for you, but also offers possible solutions. I cannot comment on the effectiveness of the actions just mentioned, but I can say that it makes one feel less than existent.

Thankfully though, I was given a small reprise which, coupled with the frustration at the extent to which my depressive state had grown and the period which it lasted, I was finally able to step aside and see things clearly. So it is a relief to be discussing this all in hindsight, from the safety of my more solid mindset. It feels so good to feel like myself again. I cannot describe what it is like to loath what you had become and have become something so warped from what you were that your actual self was a stranger to you.

However, like every dark cloud, this too has a silver lining. I feel so much more stable, and so much stronger than I was before. I am able to enjoy and appreciate everything so much more easily, and am much better equipped to distribute my unrelenting positivity in the face of any black hole, without it being a hollow reflection of what it used to be. I find great solace in my current mindset, and hope that I will be able to continue in the same vein at least for a while longer. 

I'd like to make a small deviation here in order to salute a very very good articulation of what depression is, by the uber popular blogger "Hyperboleandahalf". If you are a depressive, or want to understand it better to help someone who deals with depression to better help them cope (or at least attempt to) or for any other reason whatsoever, I'd suggest visiting her blog posts. Its definitely worth a read, and decidedly more effective and dull than what I have said here.

 

Anyway........so that, in a (slightly large) nutshell is what depression is to an acute empath. I hope you could take something out of this, or at the very least enjoyed the read. Thanks for stopping by. So till next time.......

Being me....

So....its been a while hasn't it? Thought I ought to take some time to visit my forgotten friend. Look at me! Talking to my blogs like they were people! :P

So, just a small vent. Nothing terribly major or profound, just a minor (well, sort of) vent.

So being an empath REALLY can drive one around the bend. I swear, on multiple occasions I have wondered if I was suffering from either Bi-polar disorder or Schizophrenia. That is how fast my moods can vary in a blink of an eye. And its hard to deal with. You feel like you're drowning in emotions, and most often they are not even your own. So much so that its easy to lose yourself, to forget to feel personally. It came to a point I started to feel so numb that I think all I COULD feel was everyone else. Let me tell you, it is not cool.

I did, however, FINALLY manage to find my center, as it were. After a long time, I feel like myself. I finally took time to deal with my own feelings, and come to terms with things as they were. Finally created a moment for myself to just breathe, since I realised that I could not wait for life to give me one. So, I stopped and just took a breath; took stock of my life, and finally found a sense of inner peace. And I feel so much better. I'm glad I'm finally leaving those last remnants of my past behind and actually moving forward. I don't doubt that the blows will keep coming, but this time I will be standing, and I will face them with a smile that I will hold on to past the time I should frown, because that makes everything better. I will be the change I want to see, and no longer feel like the shell I'd become.

So, here's to hope; even when it seems like its not there anymore, even after you feel too scared to hope, and even when there just seems to be nothing that can make you hope anymore. Here's to powering on, to being a force of nature, and willing your life to improve despite the circumstances which continuously threaten it. Here's to the cockroaches and dragons; forever misunderstood, only ever on the fringes of being seen for what they are, and sometimes not even really transcending the bounds of mythology; but forever moving forward, surviving, and thriving. So till next time....