So I'm finally emerging from the depths of a particularly dark and extended spell of depression. I feel so much better now, especially in contrast to what I was feeling (or rather wasn't feeling) for so long. It makes life that much easier to live, because you now need so much less to feel positive than you used to. But that is not what I came here to articulate, so let me move on swiftly...
As is usually my manner, I spent the better part of my depression attempting to analyze and deal with it like I usually do. You'll note that I used the word "attempting" in conjunction with "analyze and deal with", instead of the latter by themselves. This is because, for the fist time, something strange happened. I was actually unable to deal with my own emotions or lack thereof. And I could not for the life of me understand why I, who is the very person who preaches about dealing with problems rather than avoiding them for later, could not practice what I'd preached.
You see, I was faced with a massive dilemma. I was experiencing the void of emotion (apathy) that is depression, which meant that I had no feelings; that I was numb (if you want to understand this better, please visit Hyperbole and a half's blog posts here (1) and here (2) ). But then, there was the fact that I was feeling the emotions of others as acutely as before; even more so perhaps, as I was now essentially an empty vessel. And this obviously added to the insignificance I felt, and led to a suspicion that I no longer had a sense of....self. It makes sense if you think about it- if you have a glass jar which was once full, but now is empty, with so many different concoctions being poured into it, obviously you will eventually almost forget that the jar exists and that it had its own contents save when you wonder how the various concoctions are held in place. That, essentially, was a fairly decent analogy to my inner self; my soul, my emotional center.
So obviously rather than connect the two facts, that I was both an empath and suffering from severe depression, I considered something else. I started to consider that perhaps the acuteness of the emotions which I had felt had taken over so much space in my head, that I no longer able to feel for myself. That in turn bred a terrible resentment within me, which was aimed at something that is essentially my core; my empathy. Needless to say this made an almost impossible situation in fact impossible for quite some time. And all the while there I was, living other people's lives vicariously, with little to no warning and almost no control over it. I cannot explain how....lost you feel. You relate to people not because you empathise anymore, not quite. You relate to them because you LITERALLY know what they are feeling, albeit without having experienced what they are experiencing in order to feel the way they do. So its like this dysfunctional mimicry or duplication of a beings emotions in an empty shell which then objectively analyses it and not only breaks it down for you, but also offers possible solutions. I cannot comment on the effectiveness of the actions just mentioned, but I can say that it makes one feel less than existent.
Thankfully though, I was given a small reprise which, coupled with the frustration at the extent to which my depressive state had grown and the period which it lasted, I was finally able to step aside and see things clearly. So it is a relief to be discussing this all in hindsight, from the safety of my more solid mindset. It feels so good to feel like myself again. I cannot describe what it is like to loath what you had become and have become something so warped from what you were that your actual self was a stranger to you.
However, like every dark cloud, this too has a silver lining. I feel so much more stable, and so much stronger than I was before. I am able to enjoy and appreciate everything so much more easily, and am much better equipped to distribute my unrelenting positivity in the face of any black hole, without it being a hollow reflection of what it used to be. I find great solace in my current mindset, and hope that I will be able to continue in the same vein at least for a while longer.
I'd like to make a small deviation here in order to salute a very very good articulation of what depression is, by the uber popular blogger "Hyperboleandahalf". If you are a depressive, or want to understand it better to help someone who deals with depression to better help them cope (or at least attempt to) or for any other reason whatsoever, I'd suggest visiting her blog posts. Its definitely worth a read, and decidedly more effective and dull than what I have said here.
Anyway........so that, in a (slightly large) nutshell is what depression is to an acute empath. I hope you could take something out of this, or at the very least enjoyed the read. Thanks for stopping by. So till next time.......
