Walking through a vivid haze of emotion.....

Have you ever been in a crowded place, yet felt totally and utterly alone?? Have you ever felt like you're hearing not what someone is saying, but the thoughts or emotions behind the words, even when the words are (at times) the complete opposite? Do you feel like you can understand everyone, whoever they are, sometimes within the space of  just one conversation? Have you experienced another's mental or physical pain so acutely, that you wonder if its merely a figment of your imagination?? Ever felt like you were merely mimicking a reaction that you feel those around you would expect, because you instinctively know you should?? Do you always find some way to feel sympathize with everyone, even going so far as seeing the reason someone is  abusive, mean or hateful?Welcome, to my world....

A very recent incident which had me wonder HOW it was that one could literally FEEL another's pain, led to a discussion with a close relative, who (probably jokingly) suggested something to me. While I didn't take it seriously at first (as I doubt that even she had), a little research later, I now know that I am what is called an Empath. I won't go into the specifics, as it's quite difficult to describe (and will probably be unbelievable anyway!). But so much about me finally makes sense. However, there is one thing that I might need to mention here (unless you have seen it through my posts) in order for the rest of this post to be clear; I am a highly introspective and adaptable person. Which is why I feel I have managed to circumvent (to a degree) what so many others have suffered because of this anomaly that I am. Yet there are certain things that I still need to work on, chief among them being my ability to be ego-centric when necessary; for I seem to have become almost entirely focussed on those few people who I hold dear, that I sometimes forget to look after myself. Its difficult to explain, and I doubt anyone who has not experienced these feelings will likely understand or even believe the possibility, but there you are... Thats what life is like for me....

I feel it important to note here that I am not looking for sympathy, neither am I implying that I am a gift to the human race; I am what I am. I could deny it, but denial is apparently not healthy. And to those of you who are thinking "WOW, must be AWESOME to feel another persons emotions!!" and thinking on the lines of the X-men or a warped version of Heroes, stop. It is by no means anything even CLOSE to that. Or maybe it is, in a sense, because I have always felt a strange connection to the feelings of alienation which was depicted especially well in X-men. And let me tell you, it is NOT controllable by a mere thought. Its not something where I can easily differentiate between my emotions and another's; it takes years of being able to analyse accurately whether the emotion I am feeling is correct given the experiences which led up to it, to be able to distinguish between one's own and another's emotions. Also, I cannot explain the draw that I feel if ever I feel someone is in some sort of emotional pain, be it long or short term. And unfortunately, I now realise that people have felt that, which is the reason they generally feel completely comfortable talking to me, and tend to divulge their life stories to me without much thought. I always wondered as to what about me made people think I would be the helpful sort, to walk up to me to ask for directions; to feel that I am "safe", which to me was fast beginning to seem like an euphemism for "sterile"; to be willing to answer any of my (sometimes personal) questions when I felt that need to help someone; to trust me, even though they could not POSSIBLY know me enough to know I was trust-worthy. I guess now I have my answers. Unfortunately though, as is the characteristic of most answers, it raises as many questions as it answers.

I have always felt like I'm on the outside, looking in.. Now that I think about it, it would seem like my adaptability is the reason for the alienation; I can fit anywhere, but this comes with the price of belonging nowhere. It would seem similar to the predicament of a bat- part bird, part mammal, yet not entirely belonging to either species.

So here I stand, significantly ahead of where I started, yet with an endless distance to go..... So on I walk, through the vivid haze of emotions, that is my life....