What are words but a method of expression? A means for communicating ideas; thoughts; emotions?? It stands to reason therefore, that this would mean each word would have a slightly different definition for each person in his/her use. Let me tell you what my interpretation/definition of these words are, in order for the idea put forward to make best sense...
I would say "want" is a desire without necessity, which is to say to want something is to desire something that you do not need. Please note that I use the lack of necessity as a means to distinguish "want" from "need", as they are two very closely linked, and on occasion interchangeable concepts. I'm sure you've figured out by now that "need" is necessity, as in something that is necessary; however, I use necessity here in a general sense, and not in a context with any limitation. "Hope" in my opinion, would embody a (at times futile) wish for reality to be as one wishes it to be. And finally, the most elusive of all words, in my opinion- "Happiness". What is happiness?? It is such an elusive concept, that I will only be able to use it as I see it, and furthermore this is where the definition of the other three words come in; because it is difficult to explain happiness without the use of the words I have defined... So let me start thus....
If you've read my posts, you would have realised that I am a somewhat intense, emotional and cryptic person (to put it lightly). Something you should know about me is that I took badly the end of my solitary romantic relationship. It took me a long time to figure things out afterwards, and to be honest I think it's more by chance than anything that I stumbled across the explanation; one which adequately dispelled the misconceptions I had, attributing to "love" the credit that was due elsewhere. But it did not change the fact that I WAS happy during, but not after its end. So, having (recently!) understood that I possibly MADE myself believe that there was something special, or having mistaken it to be so, I tried to figure out what the difference was. Which is when I realised what my relationship with that person embodied; which showed me what "happiness" is to me. I doubt that I can adequately define "Happiness" as I did the others, but I will (within the course of this post) TRY.
I now see that what I thought my relationship embodied was two things; being "needed", and being understood. I now realise that I was something between "wanted" and "needed", which I guess I did not let myself see. I already knew that understanding was something I mistakenly expected, yet its funny how many things one decides to ignore, if only to "hope" for something that may never be. As soon as it ended, I (obviously!) jumped to the conclusion that I had missed the one opportunity I had in life for happiness, but now I see I was merely consoling myself with the lesser "evil",if you will; that I had not found what I thought I had. I guess there was some solace in the belief that there HAD BEEN a chance (even if there isn't anymore) of happiness, than going back to wondering if there ever WILL be a chance of it. Yet here I am...
So my definition of "happiness" has become clear to me. The only thing my happiness would require is to be "needed". I now also realise that being understood (at least in part) is merely a necessity in order to be needed. Why I say understanding is necessary, is because how can anyone know they need someone, if they cannot understand this person enough to see that he is that "someone" they need?? Its like seeing a lawn-mower when you're looking for something to cut the grass with, but not knowing what it is, or what its used for!! This is why I sometimes wish I could be satisfied with being "wanted"; you can become someone that another person would "want". But to be needed, you would have to be unique, in a way that you satisfy someone's "need" in its entirety. By need here I mean that thing we all are looking for, even though we don't quite know how to explain it; I'm by no means talking about being "everything" to someone, as that would be absurd.
This brings me to my "hope" in the pursuit of "happiness"; I "hope" to be understood someday, by someone who "needs" me. This comes with the crushing realisation that time and time again, I have always been misunderstood; and that there is nothing I can offer, which someone else cannot. Which is to say what am I, but a spoon at a table?? A mere implement, whose necessity is circumstantial; a circumstance, which will change with time. Once the meal is done, the requirement for the spoon is no longer there. It would be fine if the spoon was the only one of its kind, and the regular need for meals would mean that it would have a purpose; but to be one in a pile of cutlery? What would happen when it gets to the bottom of the pile? When there are so many spoons on top, what would be the requirement for one particular spoon as opposed to another??
At the moment there are four people at the table, and the spoon finds happiness in being passed around when each of those four people need to eat. But this happiness is slightly dented by the knowledge that none of these people are likely to remain at the table, and that the meal will end; at which point chances are that this particular spoon will end at the bottom of the pile sooner or later, to be replaced by a quantity of different spoons. Possibly the most difficult parting for the spoon will be the one person who brought the spoon to the table, for that person will only leave the table after her last meal. The spoon already sees its use dwindling as the meals of two people draw to an end, and if the third person will return to this table is left to be seen. Try as it may, it can only suppress the impending loss through "hope" that things will not be so. Yet what shall be, is a question of the future.. Till then, the spoon continues to be useful...
No comments:
Post a Comment