I think this is the only place where I can actually say this, where it's least likely to be seen by anybody but you... And, if I decide not to tell you, I hope you see this someday...
I'd resigned myself to unhappiness, and loneliness... I'd given up on my fickle dream of finding that one person for me.. Because, I'm pretty sure only that person will ever stay. Only that person will understand. Only that person, would want to make me live again. And then you came along. You walked effortlessly through all the barriers I'd built to keep everyone at a distance. It was as if they didn't exist, for you. And suddenly, I couldn't shake the dream again... I found myself completely carried away. I found you...
I don't know how to explain it, but NEVER have I been so hopelessly unable to let go. Never have I felt so irreversibly attached to someone before. It doesn't sound real, even to me, as I say it. And logically I keep questioning what I feel. But, the feeling won't change. However hard I try. And just to try itself is next to impossible. I've never been afraid of losing someone. I accept these things, as part and parcel of this existence. But this time, I'm absolutely terrified... Sigh.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you..to the point that the words aren't enough. To the point that...I can't even bare to think of how and what I'm going to do when I have to let you go, far too soon. This is why I say "Hell" is existence. Because it can get to this.
I was waiting for the day this would end, but now I'm really tired of even waiting. I just wish I was weaker, so that I couldn't cope and would just end it myself. But sadly, I'm not. Clearly, I have bad karma to pay. In this silent Hell. Where no one will really ever understand.
I miss you.
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