Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.

Why it's so hard

<p>I think I FINALLY am able to, rationally, articulate why this time, it's different. Why, unlike before, this time I'm actually going to find it almost impossible.</p>
<p>I really didn't believe in this whole concept of “The one". Well, at least I didn't for myself. And somehow, that made things easier, strange as that is. I took a certain amount masochistic satisfaction in being the ever the suffering, forever the alone. Because, I could scoff glibly at the chances of meeting that one person, who would be above everyone else, for me. Because even the last time, while I didn't think it was likely, there was always a possibility of something better. Somehow, you could accept something less, since you didn't know what to compare it to. You can take reality, knowing that the dream is just that; a dream; fiction; unreal.

But now, it's become real. It's no longer just a slim chance that is almost certainly going to never be realised. So, now I have to convince myself to accept something less, AFTER seeing what it COULD have been. What, dare I say it, SHOULD have been. And that, makes all the difference. That, is what makes it so unbelievably hard. That, is why, life lost what little solace it had. I know I'll accept something less eventually. I have to. But...sigh. words fail me. And I guess that's all there's left to say.

“Two months of madness" by- Forever-the-spoon

I think I understand now.. I think I've finally, completely understood my purpose..why I'm here.. And, lonely as it may be, I guess at least it's something I can work with..perhaps. Only time will tell I guess..

Looking back at my life, I've realised that, it's always been about helping others.. Caring about them. Fixing whatever I can, however incremental and often seemingly insignificant it may seem. Life works out, that way. I feel alright, and less useless, and can believe I belong..almost.

However, as with every good story, there is always the pinch of salt; the twist in the plot; the catch- there's always a catch. In this story, the catch is that, I'm not supposed to expect anything. That's when everything starts going wrong. And unfortunately, as I now see, it's not only for ME that things can go wrong. At least till now, it was a matter of me suffering the consequences, and eventually picking up the pieces, and dragging on. But obviously, since I was getting too comfortable with that routine, the universe decides “Hmmmm, he's forgetting his place.. Let's remind him in the most brutal way possible".

So here I am..again. Forced to acclimatize myself to a new private Hell. And, sadly, I almost couldn't bring myself to write this, because the only person who is likely to see this will go through even more pain because of it. But, sigh...I have no other option. I say this, because I've realised something else.

So far, my coping mechanism has been to let it all out. Vent. To the few people I'd trust. And it helps. At least, it used to. But this time, I realise that it's completely useless. Their intentions are all good, so not that I blame them.....But all they seem to see, is what it seems on the outside...the “reality", as it were; the hard truth. But here's the thing...so do I. And I'm doing what I have to. And I know what I have to do. So telling me, for example, that I need to “move on" isn't going to fucking help now is it? I KNOW that's what I have to DO. The problem is, this time, it's going to be next to fucking impossible. And EVERYONE prefers to tell ME what I feel, and how it's not what I THINK I feel, as if they know better than me. Perfect. Just what I fucking need. To hear everything I already know, repeated to me over and over again, like I'm not getting it.

So I've decided, I'm going to give it a week or two. Then, I'm going to start telling everyone that “I'm fine"; that I realise now that it was “just another" infatuation. Nothing more. They were right. And I'm over it now. If I wasn't so averse to collateral damage, I'd have thrown in a “relationship" for better measure. But knowing my luck, I'd surely end up with someone who refuses to leave, when that's all I want: for them to leave.

So thus ends (or will end, soon enough) what I will refer to henceforth as the “Two months of madness". It will/has been, in a way, but not in the way that people will be made to understand it. And now, back to my never ending job; that of being forever the spoon.

Things I'll never get to say to you

I think this is the only place where I can actually say this, where it's least likely to be seen by anybody but you... And, if I decide not to tell you, I hope you see this someday...

I'd resigned myself to unhappiness, and loneliness... I'd given up on my fickle dream of finding that one person for me.. Because, I'm pretty sure only that person will ever stay. Only that person will understand. Only that person, would want to make me live again. And then you came along. You walked effortlessly through all the barriers I'd built to keep everyone at a distance. It was as if they didn't exist, for you. And suddenly, I couldn't shake the dream again... I found myself completely carried away. I found you...

I don't know how to explain it, but NEVER have I been so hopelessly unable to let go. Never have I felt so irreversibly attached to someone before. It doesn't sound real, even to me, as I say it. And logically I keep questioning what I feel. But, the feeling won't change. However hard I try. And just to try itself is next to impossible. I've never been afraid of losing someone. I accept these things, as part and parcel of this existence. But this time, I'm absolutely terrified... Sigh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you..to the point that the words aren't enough. To the point that...I can't even bare to think of how and what I'm going to do when I have to let you go, far too soon. This is why I say "Hell" is existence. Because it can get to this.

I was waiting for the day this would end, but now I'm really tired of even waiting. I just wish I was weaker, so that I couldn't cope and would just end it myself. But sadly, I'm not. Clearly, I have bad karma to pay. In this silent Hell. Where no one will really ever understand.

I miss you.

Hiding in plain sight...

Once upon a time,  there was a boy who existed on an almost insignificantly small dot of land in the middle of the exotic region of the ocean.. From the moment the medical practitioners made the mistake of realizing that he was more than just a cyst in the womb, it should have been evident that there was something amiss. This became more and more evident as this boy grew up. He developed too fast, knew too much. Didn't react like he should, even though he was also unrealistically sensitive. He started out with hope, that he wasn't a mistake- that he was only as different as someone else who existed. The innocence of childhood made the illusion easier to accept, for with it came the illusion that people were in the habit of being as good as they had the potential to be. However, as time wore on, he started to realise that this may not be the case. The nagging feeling of never fitting in wherever he was, eventually became painfully obvious...to him. He started to realise that, in a world which had started to accept deviance, he had transcended the limits of even this new found social culture of acceptance.

The problem with this story, is not that he was different. Or at least, that wasn't the main problem. The biggest problem perhaps, was the fact that for all his abnormality, he was able to pass off as no more different than anyone else. Sure, people might realise he was perhaps above-average intelligent. Maybe he seemed more kind and obliging that most. Perhaps there was something about his appearance that people would find appealing. But no one really *knew* how different he was. There were the occasional entrances into his life who made him believe that, perhaps, there were others like him. Be it because these people WERE actually more different than most, or due to the simple reason that he wished to believe so badly, he DID believe...for a while. However, it soon became obvious that for all their deviance, no one really came close to being as different as him. And unfortunately, part of his "uniqueness" was his natural ability to blend in, wherever he went. It was not so much conscious as instinctive, this chameleon-esque nature of his. So, he spent his time..a mistake, forced  to live a life he did not want, yet unable to break free because the only freedom to be found was that which was at the end.

Thus continues the story of the boy...if boy indeed he be. "Blessed" with the ability to understand all, but cursed to a life of never being truly understood. So there he was- a seemingly normal, well adjusted man-hiding in plain sight....

Out cold...

Unfortunately, the topic is not regarding the mundane incident of my black out post alcohol abuse. It is more indicative of the general emotional state that is fast becoming the norm.

My recent absence has been due to the many times my desires to come here and jot down some of my numerous takes on various situations have been unfulfilled due to the general pace of life, and also technological difficulties (more like "difficulty", specifically the malfunction of the previous version of the editor in this site!), but mainly I guess its the anti-social sentiments which are creeping in on some unexplained level. Long story short, this post is way overdue (even though it won't really attempt to minimize the effects of the absence).

This is probably the paragraph where I whine about life in general, but.. that is when I remember I can't get myself to care anymore. I despise the increasing regularity with which life sharpens the bitterness I have carried for far too long. I'm fast becoming numb to the point of not having the energy or the inclination to bother to even complain anymore. The general sentiment is cold indifference, and a lack of energy or inclination to even care about THAT. If not for a handful of people who mean the world to me, (specially one, who's taken me by surprise- to put it lightly) I probably would be past feeling the need to blog, which actually would have been scary not so long ago; but not anymore.. What it means, even I'm not aware of.. Only time will tell I guess....

Life goes on.. I no longer look ahead, nor behind.. Its supposedly to be the most prudent form of existence, but its unnaturalness is leaving me feeling anything but. Life has now become a "take each day as it comes", with the inclusion of "and don't give a fuck".  Mind, I would not complain in the least if even a little smidgen of positivity that this mentality is supposed to be accompanied by comes my way, but then- nothing new there is it?? Life has never been in a generous mood when it comes to giving me my due.. Or maybe I have just set my expectations too high? (which would be ironic, considering that I can't discern what my expectations ARE anymore, leave alone evaluate the feasibility of the same).

I await the day when I can recover a semblance of "normalcy" which I have a vague recollection of once having within my grasp. But my fingers aren't crossed. It may come, it may not; quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So we'll see how it goes..  Let us see what the future holds in this, my cursed existence........

To be human..

There are so many things people take for granted about themselves.. The more 'natural' and 'mundane' the particular quality or trait, the less people realise the possibility of losing it.. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if what I'm about to say qualifies as one of those things, because it is so basic and intrinsic of human nature, that it may not (under normal circumstances) be something that can disappear.. Yet this is, once again, about me- and I'm not sure I quite make the cut for 'normal'- that may very well be an unattainable promotion..

What makes us human? Some say its the ability to feel another's pain.. Some say its to not be perfect.. Others have so many varying and sometimes contrasting views, that I do not quite care to list them down.. But the question is, what about the ability to be affected by what happens to you? Is that an essential requirement of being human? Empathy is most often thought to be a true human quality, but empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.. What about for oneself? Is it necessary? What if one loses that ability, to be affected as one should? What then?

I've always known I was different.. Always felt a bystander, a person pretending to be who he technically is.. I can feel another's pain, but I'm beginning to lose the sensation of my own.. My reactions to events have become just that- reactions.. Rather than create a chain of emotion of either happiness or sadness, there is only the initial reaction- which lasts maybe the length of time it takes for a small nap, like a thread desperately grasped at which nonetheless slips through my fingers.. I know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, and how I'm SUPPOSED to react.. The problem is, day by day, I feel more and more that its becoming harder and harder to be what I'm SUPPOSED to be.. 

All my life, I've felt like I'm not supposed to be here- like I'm some colossal mistake, or some cosmic joke.. Just some prank or the result of a misguided attempt at a quick fix on some mega-scale system failure.. I used to have dreams, which I felt were the only way I could still keep believing myself to be just like everyone else, and somehow feel like I have a place.. Now it seems painfully obvious that I need to accept reality.. I am who I am, and whatever I believe, I can't change it.. I will always be the exception, never quite understood, and (as alarming as this last one is, especially) fast losing my ability to actively participate, since it seems more and more that my feelings are merely a mimic of those which belong to people around me, and not entirely my own; my own seem to be lost.. Honestly, I wonder if I'm still ABLE to feel, for myself; If I have any emotions left, emotions that go further than automatic initial reactions which die no sooner they appear.. Its the equivalent of a dead limb moving when prodded, only to fall back to its original position; dead, cold, and dysfunctional.. I'm not even entirely sure thats a bad thing, or if there IS a good and bad anymore.. I've been given a life (for whatever the reason) and I've to do whatever necessary to maintain it.. That seems to be all I know anymore.. I guess as always, I shall accept it, and move on.. For there is no point in lusting after what clearly is not supposed to be mine.. 

Dawn of yet another year..........

So, the strangest beginning to a new annum I have yet come across, it feels like I am walking in the middle of chaos; of so many things happening around me, somewhat like the eye of the storm, yet somehow throughly detached. It seems I maybe able to add "dyslexic" to my self-description, which if proven (while solving the one major conundrum I've been plagued by, relating to an inexplicably constant failure) will come with its own set of new complications. But we cannot change what is, and as I'm fast becoming accustomed to, I shall accept and deal with the consequences of the new knowledge when I have indeed proven it to be so. However, this post is about the year that we have stepped into, so I shall delve into as much...

It is strange, for me, who has been used to a semblance of an ordinary life, to step into a new year as I have this time; a "new" year brings with it, usually, many dreams, aspirations, the sense of getting another chance, a "new beginning...... in short, it comes with much hope. What we individually hope for defers from person to person, and what may have been important to me, may not mean much to you. Yet, strangely, this year comes with no such hope for me. I think I should explain that this doesn't mean that I've lost hope, that I've become so cynical that I can see no future; it means something else completely. I  wouldn't expect this to be understood, truth be told, yet I wish to record the "emotions" (if they can be called as such) as best I can for future reference. So let me try to elaborate...

I have no "hope", because for there to be hope, there must be wants and/or needs. It is generally such an inherently ingrained trait of humanity, that it is indeed difficult to look at one's life devoid of it. Yet here I am, all of a sudden lacking that fundamental characteristic, which we all take for granted. As to what impact a lack of reason for hope would have on my "humanity", I'd rather not contemplate. Yet, it is what it is... Here I stand, peering into the unknown depths of a fresh annum, with a lack of hope.. It is indeed strange, to be of such a neutral persuasion, but what can one do but see things as they are? I'm quite certain most people have already pinned this outlook as "cynical" and being a by-product of becoming unexpectedly and suddenly single; I have not, and have decided not to, bother to correct them, as I shall not bother to further explain how being "neutral" and "cynical" are two completely different things.

This, however, has afforded me with an advantage; I am now able to take each day at a time, and deal with things as they come. When one has no expectations, one has no disappointment; while many (admittedly like myself not so long ago!!) try to avoid expectation in order to avoid disappointment, as with all things, the mere "want" to avoid expectation is far from enough to actually be successful in avoiding it. This is, of course, an observation I make now, as I simply do not have expectations (as opposed to shunning expectation through a conscious effort), yet even the limited success one achieves at avoiding expectation is valuable, so one must not give it up, if disappointment is so strongly loathed!!

All things said and done, I face the year with no hope- yet, strangely, I do not feel empty as one might expect to feel in my position. It is interesting that I am still able to relate to another's emotions, and able to be useful as a friend/family member, or sometimes even merely as an acquaintance (yes, I still do feel the occasional need or want to help someone if I feel I can, and this sometimes includes acquaintances as well!!); yet personally, I merely have started seeing life as a journey that one is on, and as such one must do what is necessary to continue on that journey as best one can. Where my journey will take me, I've suddenly stopped worrying about, and while it is strange, I feel no worry or doubt; I am content. So, in conclusion, life continues.......

Human nature, and "change"...

"Change"... Inevitable; relentless; a fundamental part of probably the most accurate oxymoron of all time, which is the fact that "change is the only constant". It is the way of the world, the way of life itself. We see it all around, experience it on a daily basis, yet are unable to come to terms with it when even after so many opportunities to. It is (arguably) the single most debilitating yet unavoidable phenomenon we will ever encounter.

I have one particular thought that seems to be contradictory to the general opinion, though; that people never truly change. Of course, "change" can mean many things, and (obviously!) as biological beings we "change" (dare I say "decay?") over time, so I am not arguing with what is clearly a fact. What I do, however, disagree with is the idea that people change "inherently"; which is to say I do not believe that a person can become someone that they were/are not. As easy as that would be to believe, especially given the many instances in life that would be so much easier to understand if we WERE to so believe, I do not subscribe to this theory. This is mainly due my nature, which does give an interesting and somewhat useful insight into human nature. Therefore, these are my thought on this topic with regards possibly the most integral part of that nature, which would be relationships; I have given special prominence to "the relationship", which is that which we look to form with our "life partner", if things were to be ideal...

Time and time again I have seen "change" becoming a mis-diagnosis for development or increased maturity (or the lack thereof). When someone says "He/she has changed", what they actually mean is that they did not understand the person at the time they thought they did, as being the person they now understand that person to be; The person in question has not "changed", where the person was of a certain nature when you met them but has become a completely different person with the passing of time; but rather it is you who has not understood that person for who he/she IS, initially. This is a combination of various problems....

Firstly, people tend to prematurely assume they "know" another person; they assume that a few months, or years, is enough to know the PERSON. (This is has become quite obvious to me, given that  many people think they know me though they are unlikely to EVER know me; this being so, however much I wish it were otherwise!) So I think the first problem is this assumption. This is what leads to many people believing someone has "changed", because they assume they knew the person in the first place! The actual situation is  that they simply did not understand the person for who they were, and with time they have gained that knowledge which contradicts their initial perception. So my advice first up would be to understand how long, and how much effort it takes to truly understand who a person is inherently.

On a personal note, might I add that one of the FIRST questions we must answer in our lives is "Who am I??". Experience has taught me that, the fact that people give so little thought to this question, leads to their perception of themselves misleading others (like myself), by crippling our intuition with blatant statements that were ill thought out. As a person, before embarking on an important relationship, one must know oneself; only then will there be a possibility of connecting with another, as that will allow the other person to see if their instinctive analysis tallies with your interpretation of yourself. Because people like myself who are aware of who we are, have the potential to understand you completely, but chances are we will expect you to know yourself; so much so that we will take your word of who you are over our own instinctive analysis of you, because we couldn't POSSIBLY know you better than you know yourself, right?? So, before you tell someone (who may be like me!!) something that they are likely to believe, in spite of their better judgement, make sure you know yourself enough to make such a blatant statement.

The second problem is that people misjudge a stage of development of a person  as that which defines them. It is astounding how inaccurate age is in judging a person's maturity, as it is completely possible for the general "norm" to be completely wrong. So what one must understand is that the most salient question is whether, whatever happens, you are willing to make that person a priority in your life based on your knowledge of the person inherently. Notice I say "knowledge", as opposed to "assumption" or who you "think" a person is. When you know, you know; there is no other way to explain it. There will be no doubt in your mind, that you completely understand who another person is. 

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, people need to wrap their heads around the concept of "Love". Many people believe that the love one feels towards one's partner, is different to that which one feels towards the people with whom one forms "platonic" relationships, such as those with family and possibly one or two close friends; I completely disagree. While I concede that sometimes the emotions are so completely wrapped together that it is difficult to decipher one from the other, "Love" should not be confused with "romantic attraction" (which I feel is the best way to explain it). If you fall "in love" with a person, that means that the romantic attraction you feel towards that person has led to you loving that person, which is to say that you have completely and irrevocably set aside your "self" to care for that person. Its EXACTLY the same emotion that you would feel towards your family, and those few friends that you let yourself get so close to, only with the addition of romantic attraction to the mix. So the only difference, is that circumstance does not dictate a "limit" to how attached you can become to that person. It does not mean that it is a different kind of love that you feel, merely that it accompanies a non-platonic attraction which is not present in a platonic relationship.

Let me add yet another personal experience here; "romantic attraction" is not as important as it is thought to be. Its sad that people refer to it as "love", because it has so little to do with a successful relationship; because "love" is the key; the fundamental ingredient. The non-platonic feelings may come and go, and (through personal experience I know that) it is more choice than uncontrollable; and it is not an essential ingredient to love another person. If you've lived your life believing that you need to be romantically attracted to another person in order to be able to love that person, you'd be wrong. The thing is, anything short of true love will fade and die with time, sometimes due to no particular fault of any one person; it may be rekindled, or not, as circumstance and subconscious necessity dictate. True love, however, will never die a natural death; because only futility or permanent separation can destroy it, which means it can only be "killed" by circumstance or conscious action on the part of the subject of it. So the concept of "falling out of love" is possibly the most common misconception to have become a cliche. So there you have it, further evidence that "change" is not part of human nature, rather a characteristic of circumstance surrounding one's life at a particular time.

So, as I said at the beginning of the post, I do not believe that people "change"; neither do I believe that one can "fall out of love". Human nature is understandable, if only we pay close enough attention to it; and it does not accommodate true, inherent "change"..

Walking through a vivid haze of emotion.....

Have you ever been in a crowded place, yet felt totally and utterly alone?? Have you ever felt like you're hearing not what someone is saying, but the thoughts or emotions behind the words, even when the words are (at times) the complete opposite? Do you feel like you can understand everyone, whoever they are, sometimes within the space of  just one conversation? Have you experienced another's mental or physical pain so acutely, that you wonder if its merely a figment of your imagination?? Ever felt like you were merely mimicking a reaction that you feel those around you would expect, because you instinctively know you should?? Do you always find some way to feel sympathize with everyone, even going so far as seeing the reason someone is  abusive, mean or hateful?Welcome, to my world....

A very recent incident which had me wonder HOW it was that one could literally FEEL another's pain, led to a discussion with a close relative, who (probably jokingly) suggested something to me. While I didn't take it seriously at first (as I doubt that even she had), a little research later, I now know that I am what is called an Empath. I won't go into the specifics, as it's quite difficult to describe (and will probably be unbelievable anyway!). But so much about me finally makes sense. However, there is one thing that I might need to mention here (unless you have seen it through my posts) in order for the rest of this post to be clear; I am a highly introspective and adaptable person. Which is why I feel I have managed to circumvent (to a degree) what so many others have suffered because of this anomaly that I am. Yet there are certain things that I still need to work on, chief among them being my ability to be ego-centric when necessary; for I seem to have become almost entirely focussed on those few people who I hold dear, that I sometimes forget to look after myself. Its difficult to explain, and I doubt anyone who has not experienced these feelings will likely understand or even believe the possibility, but there you are... Thats what life is like for me....

I feel it important to note here that I am not looking for sympathy, neither am I implying that I am a gift to the human race; I am what I am. I could deny it, but denial is apparently not healthy. And to those of you who are thinking "WOW, must be AWESOME to feel another persons emotions!!" and thinking on the lines of the X-men or a warped version of Heroes, stop. It is by no means anything even CLOSE to that. Or maybe it is, in a sense, because I have always felt a strange connection to the feelings of alienation which was depicted especially well in X-men. And let me tell you, it is NOT controllable by a mere thought. Its not something where I can easily differentiate between my emotions and another's; it takes years of being able to analyse accurately whether the emotion I am feeling is correct given the experiences which led up to it, to be able to distinguish between one's own and another's emotions. Also, I cannot explain the draw that I feel if ever I feel someone is in some sort of emotional pain, be it long or short term. And unfortunately, I now realise that people have felt that, which is the reason they generally feel completely comfortable talking to me, and tend to divulge their life stories to me without much thought. I always wondered as to what about me made people think I would be the helpful sort, to walk up to me to ask for directions; to feel that I am "safe", which to me was fast beginning to seem like an euphemism for "sterile"; to be willing to answer any of my (sometimes personal) questions when I felt that need to help someone; to trust me, even though they could not POSSIBLY know me enough to know I was trust-worthy. I guess now I have my answers. Unfortunately though, as is the characteristic of most answers, it raises as many questions as it answers.

I have always felt like I'm on the outside, looking in.. Now that I think about it, it would seem like my adaptability is the reason for the alienation; I can fit anywhere, but this comes with the price of belonging nowhere. It would seem similar to the predicament of a bat- part bird, part mammal, yet not entirely belonging to either species.

So here I stand, significantly ahead of where I started, yet with an endless distance to go..... So on I walk, through the vivid haze of emotions, that is my life....