"Is it dead?" he wondered....

I think I need to vent again. I don't know where this is going, or where it will begin. I am not even entirely sure what it IS. I just know that its got to that point where I need to talk about it, lest it drown me and drag me to that dark place again.

While this is not applicable all the time, and may even only apply in very limited circumstances, practical reality can be really fucked up. Maybe fucked up is not strong enough a word. I am, of course, referring to that short live yet incredibly potent relationship that is out of bounds due to practical issues. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I think if you have read anything I have said before this, you will be aware that I went through a really bad low not so long ago. I think the bottom point was catalyzed by aforesaid incident. I have, however, since then got to a MUCH better place. The depression is largely under control. I feel it was amplified by the fact that I didn't deal with my....well....loss, I guess would be the right word. However, given that there was no future possibility, it seemed like a non-issue not too soon after. My brain convinced my heart of the futility, and it seemed under control.

It is still there though, that gnawing feeling of loss. Looking back now, at my attempts at relationships since then (IF you can call them that) I realise that I have become so terribly disconnected. I think maybe I convince myself that I am ok, and that all wounds are healed to only leave scars, and that those scars don't hold me back. I get this feeling however, that one wound is not so benign. 

It seems more and more that I am closing in on myself. I don't seem to open up anymore. I realise that I wouldn't even CONSIDER really opening up till well into a relationship. This effectively means that I am killing any possibility before it happens. This also means that there are a few people who have spoken to me extensively, and yet left before they even scratched the surface. That may very well be my subconscious sabotage working its magic. In this day and age of instant gratification, everyone is looking for the "thrill". Everyone wants things to happen fast and hard. Me, I have become an old careful soul. I need time, and a continued presence in my life and a belief that someone MIGHT stick around before I'd consider opening up. Needless to say, this effectively makes the possibility of a relationship all but impossible.

And I am losing interest. I am finding more and more ways to keep myself occupied, and I am beginning to notice that there is really little room for anyone else in it. I know that there is this subconscious and possibly primal desire to be with one of the few (if not only) people who can make you feel....home. Consciously however, I have all but given up. I dismiss the ideas whenever they come to mind, most often. I have gotten to being satisfied with the few fantasies in my head. Nothing spectacular, just regular stuff.

Which makes me wonder if the part in me that loves, in that sense, has died. I increasingly feel like the possibility of being with someone else is terribly unsettling. I might even go so far as to say that it seems......scary. I wonder if there is something in me, which would generally need to function to have a successful healthy relationship, which has died.

I guess these are all questions which can only be answered if I actually meet someone who eclipses how I feel about her. I don't know that that will ever happen. I don't know if its possible. Till then, I guess I shall bide my time. Perhaps, I will be "that" uncle, who is old and unmarried but "pretty cool". Maybe I'll be the eccentric old guy who makes for a good story but isn't too good with where he kept his keys. I guess, time will tell... So, till next time...

Deatched......

I have come to realise that as of late, I am going through an extreme sense of detachment. Not that I was ever the type to be particularly attached, for quite some time now. However, I have noticed an increase in its intensity. As of late, I no longer actively pursue ANY sort of relationship. Rather, my relationships have gained a more....reactive tone, shall we say?

What I mean is that I rarely initiate contact with people without a plausible reason. Yes, it is quite a secluded existence and yes, I do get lonely. However, given my two conditions which I must balance, at the moment it is the easiest way to balance things out. I no longer wish to do more than "make myself available" if and when the few people I have allowed into my life in a true sense (and have remained) need someone. It is in a sense helpful, because that way you stop worrying. Rather I stop worrying.

I stop worrying that a young girl will grow up with habits which will make it extremely difficult for people to care about her. I stop worrying that a guy who suffers from a diagnosed mental illness will continue to surround himself with spoilt immature and selfish people and find out too late that none of those people will actually be there when shit hits the fan. I stop worrying that a girl will make life choices based on sympathy, succumbing to social pressure and her own empathy ultimately assigning a life of dissatisfaction and regret to herself. In short, I stop worrying.

Well, not quite. As the above would indicate, I think I would be fooling no one to say that I do NOT worry at all. Rather, I have understood that these things are beyond my control. I have also realised that I need to pay close attention to my own volatile mental state, because...lets face it, its not like anyone ELSE is going to! So, detachment it is....

Subliminal concerns

Well, I don't know if they are necessarily "subliminal" since I'm actually articulating them, but well....artistic license and all that if you will!

After a VERY long time, I am doing good. Possibly the best I've ever been, and due to no external element- which is nice. I have grown into what I feel is a...shall we say.....sufficiently self-proficient being. So far, I find this to be the most effective attitude/perception/philosophy. Self-reliance means that you don't depend on others to stay sane, or cope- which leads to a lot less hurt and pain. After all, if you don't depend on people to hold yourself up, and if you can not allow others to affect your...."palace" (shall we call it)...you find that you are able to control your life to a great extent because you stop reacting to everything around you and instead choose your actions. Granted there is still much which isn't within your control, but at least you've taken hold of those things you can. It gives one strength to know that, at least it does to this "one".

It does, however, also increase that feeling of loneliness. You realise then, that all these things are merely a way in which you cope with that reality which, (although you've come to accept) you know is still nagging you deep within. That reality that you feel incredibly alone, not so much because you have no one but rather because you realise that there is unlikely to be anyone who really can understand and be there. So you put on a brave face, you stay positive, and are generally happy. In fact, most of the time you feel great- especially considering the stark contrast the present is to the deep hole you didn't even dare to look out of because you feared that the contrast the light created to your surroundings would quell even your tenuous logical argument to carry on.

Either way, I feel for now I have found the best balance I can. I have stopped expecting or caring particularly about maturity or sense in others, as it is becoming increasingly rare. In fact, for the most part I feel I just immerse myself in my surroundings without really looking at how I fit in, the larger picture if you will. This makes all of the above insignificant. I do worry, though, that my disinterest in actively maintaining relationships will make me mechanical and.....cold. People might stop actually attempting to keep me in their/stay in my life. Of course, there is likely always going to be new people, but one never knows such things. I guess the problem with being over-sensitive is that you reach that point where you would rather avoid stimuli than face the barrage if you don't.

I am becoming increasingly solitary, and this is starting more and more to sound like the journal entries of a man alone on an island detailing his existence lest he forget he does. However, the duration of this post is as long as I'm willing to dwell on it at this point of time. Maybe I will have to deal with it later, but that is (as they say) a "tale for another day"......

Depression and the empathic mind...

So I'm finally emerging from the depths of a particularly dark and extended spell of depression. I feel so much better now, especially in contrast to what I was feeling (or rather wasn't feeling) for so long. It makes life that much easier to live, because you now need so much less to feel positive than you used to. But that is not what I came here to articulate, so let me move on swiftly...

As is usually my manner, I spent the better part of my depression attempting to analyze and deal with it like I usually do. You'll note that I used the word "attempting" in conjunction with "analyze and deal with", instead of the latter by themselves. This is because, for the fist time, something strange happened. I was actually unable to deal with my own emotions or lack thereof. And I could not for the life of me understand why I, who is the very person who preaches about dealing with problems rather than avoiding them for later, could not practice what I'd preached.

You see, I was faced with a massive dilemma. I was experiencing the void of emotion (apathy) that is depression, which meant that I had no feelings; that I was numb (if you want to understand this better, please visit Hyperbole and a half's blog posts here (1) and here (2) ). But then, there was the fact that I was feeling the emotions of others as acutely as before; even more so perhaps, as I was now essentially an empty vessel. And this obviously added to the insignificance I felt, and led to a suspicion that I no longer had a sense of....self. It makes sense if you think about it- if you have a glass jar which was once full, but now is empty, with so many different concoctions being poured into it, obviously you will eventually almost forget that the jar exists and that it had its own contents save when you wonder how the various concoctions are held in place. That, essentially, was a fairly decent analogy to my inner self; my soul, my emotional center.

So obviously rather than connect the two facts, that I was both an empath and suffering from severe depression, I considered something else. I started to consider that perhaps the acuteness of the emotions which I had felt had taken over so much space in my head, that I no longer able to feel for myself. That in turn bred a terrible resentment within me, which was aimed at something that is essentially my core; my empathy. Needless to say this made an almost impossible situation in fact impossible for quite some time. And all the while there I was, living other people's lives vicariously, with little to no warning and almost no control over it. I cannot explain how....lost you feel. You relate to people not because you empathise anymore, not quite. You relate to them because you LITERALLY know what they are feeling, albeit without having experienced what they are experiencing in order to feel the way they do. So its like this dysfunctional mimicry or duplication of a beings emotions in an empty shell which then objectively analyses it and not only breaks it down for you, but also offers possible solutions. I cannot comment on the effectiveness of the actions just mentioned, but I can say that it makes one feel less than existent.

Thankfully though, I was given a small reprise which, coupled with the frustration at the extent to which my depressive state had grown and the period which it lasted, I was finally able to step aside and see things clearly. So it is a relief to be discussing this all in hindsight, from the safety of my more solid mindset. It feels so good to feel like myself again. I cannot describe what it is like to loath what you had become and have become something so warped from what you were that your actual self was a stranger to you.

However, like every dark cloud, this too has a silver lining. I feel so much more stable, and so much stronger than I was before. I am able to enjoy and appreciate everything so much more easily, and am much better equipped to distribute my unrelenting positivity in the face of any black hole, without it being a hollow reflection of what it used to be. I find great solace in my current mindset, and hope that I will be able to continue in the same vein at least for a while longer. 

I'd like to make a small deviation here in order to salute a very very good articulation of what depression is, by the uber popular blogger "Hyperboleandahalf". If you are a depressive, or want to understand it better to help someone who deals with depression to better help them cope (or at least attempt to) or for any other reason whatsoever, I'd suggest visiting her blog posts. Its definitely worth a read, and decidedly more effective and dull than what I have said here.

 

Anyway........so that, in a (slightly large) nutshell is what depression is to an acute empath. I hope you could take something out of this, or at the very least enjoyed the read. Thanks for stopping by. So till next time.......

Being me....

So....its been a while hasn't it? Thought I ought to take some time to visit my forgotten friend. Look at me! Talking to my blogs like they were people! :P

So, just a small vent. Nothing terribly major or profound, just a minor (well, sort of) vent.

So being an empath REALLY can drive one around the bend. I swear, on multiple occasions I have wondered if I was suffering from either Bi-polar disorder or Schizophrenia. That is how fast my moods can vary in a blink of an eye. And its hard to deal with. You feel like you're drowning in emotions, and most often they are not even your own. So much so that its easy to lose yourself, to forget to feel personally. It came to a point I started to feel so numb that I think all I COULD feel was everyone else. Let me tell you, it is not cool.

I did, however, FINALLY manage to find my center, as it were. After a long time, I feel like myself. I finally took time to deal with my own feelings, and come to terms with things as they were. Finally created a moment for myself to just breathe, since I realised that I could not wait for life to give me one. So, I stopped and just took a breath; took stock of my life, and finally found a sense of inner peace. And I feel so much better. I'm glad I'm finally leaving those last remnants of my past behind and actually moving forward. I don't doubt that the blows will keep coming, but this time I will be standing, and I will face them with a smile that I will hold on to past the time I should frown, because that makes everything better. I will be the change I want to see, and no longer feel like the shell I'd become.

So, here's to hope; even when it seems like its not there anymore, even after you feel too scared to hope, and even when there just seems to be nothing that can make you hope anymore. Here's to powering on, to being a force of nature, and willing your life to improve despite the circumstances which continuously threaten it. Here's to the cockroaches and dragons; forever misunderstood, only ever on the fringes of being seen for what they are, and sometimes not even really transcending the bounds of mythology; but forever moving forward, surviving, and thriving. So till next time....

Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.

Why it's so hard

<p>I think I FINALLY am able to, rationally, articulate why this time, it's different. Why, unlike before, this time I'm actually going to find it almost impossible.</p>
<p>I really didn't believe in this whole concept of “The one". Well, at least I didn't for myself. And somehow, that made things easier, strange as that is. I took a certain amount masochistic satisfaction in being the ever the suffering, forever the alone. Because, I could scoff glibly at the chances of meeting that one person, who would be above everyone else, for me. Because even the last time, while I didn't think it was likely, there was always a possibility of something better. Somehow, you could accept something less, since you didn't know what to compare it to. You can take reality, knowing that the dream is just that; a dream; fiction; unreal.

But now, it's become real. It's no longer just a slim chance that is almost certainly going to never be realised. So, now I have to convince myself to accept something less, AFTER seeing what it COULD have been. What, dare I say it, SHOULD have been. And that, makes all the difference. That, is what makes it so unbelievably hard. That, is why, life lost what little solace it had. I know I'll accept something less eventually. I have to. But...sigh. words fail me. And I guess that's all there's left to say.

“Two months of madness" by- Forever-the-spoon

I think I understand now.. I think I've finally, completely understood my purpose..why I'm here.. And, lonely as it may be, I guess at least it's something I can work with..perhaps. Only time will tell I guess..

Looking back at my life, I've realised that, it's always been about helping others.. Caring about them. Fixing whatever I can, however incremental and often seemingly insignificant it may seem. Life works out, that way. I feel alright, and less useless, and can believe I belong..almost.

However, as with every good story, there is always the pinch of salt; the twist in the plot; the catch- there's always a catch. In this story, the catch is that, I'm not supposed to expect anything. That's when everything starts going wrong. And unfortunately, as I now see, it's not only for ME that things can go wrong. At least till now, it was a matter of me suffering the consequences, and eventually picking up the pieces, and dragging on. But obviously, since I was getting too comfortable with that routine, the universe decides “Hmmmm, he's forgetting his place.. Let's remind him in the most brutal way possible".

So here I am..again. Forced to acclimatize myself to a new private Hell. And, sadly, I almost couldn't bring myself to write this, because the only person who is likely to see this will go through even more pain because of it. But, sigh...I have no other option. I say this, because I've realised something else.

So far, my coping mechanism has been to let it all out. Vent. To the few people I'd trust. And it helps. At least, it used to. But this time, I realise that it's completely useless. Their intentions are all good, so not that I blame them.....But all they seem to see, is what it seems on the outside...the “reality", as it were; the hard truth. But here's the thing...so do I. And I'm doing what I have to. And I know what I have to do. So telling me, for example, that I need to “move on" isn't going to fucking help now is it? I KNOW that's what I have to DO. The problem is, this time, it's going to be next to fucking impossible. And EVERYONE prefers to tell ME what I feel, and how it's not what I THINK I feel, as if they know better than me. Perfect. Just what I fucking need. To hear everything I already know, repeated to me over and over again, like I'm not getting it.

So I've decided, I'm going to give it a week or two. Then, I'm going to start telling everyone that “I'm fine"; that I realise now that it was “just another" infatuation. Nothing more. They were right. And I'm over it now. If I wasn't so averse to collateral damage, I'd have thrown in a “relationship" for better measure. But knowing my luck, I'd surely end up with someone who refuses to leave, when that's all I want: for them to leave.

So thus ends (or will end, soon enough) what I will refer to henceforth as the “Two months of madness". It will/has been, in a way, but not in the way that people will be made to understand it. And now, back to my never ending job; that of being forever the spoon.

Things I'll never get to say to you

I think this is the only place where I can actually say this, where it's least likely to be seen by anybody but you... And, if I decide not to tell you, I hope you see this someday...

I'd resigned myself to unhappiness, and loneliness... I'd given up on my fickle dream of finding that one person for me.. Because, I'm pretty sure only that person will ever stay. Only that person will understand. Only that person, would want to make me live again. And then you came along. You walked effortlessly through all the barriers I'd built to keep everyone at a distance. It was as if they didn't exist, for you. And suddenly, I couldn't shake the dream again... I found myself completely carried away. I found you...

I don't know how to explain it, but NEVER have I been so hopelessly unable to let go. Never have I felt so irreversibly attached to someone before. It doesn't sound real, even to me, as I say it. And logically I keep questioning what I feel. But, the feeling won't change. However hard I try. And just to try itself is next to impossible. I've never been afraid of losing someone. I accept these things, as part and parcel of this existence. But this time, I'm absolutely terrified... Sigh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you..to the point that the words aren't enough. To the point that...I can't even bare to think of how and what I'm going to do when I have to let you go, far too soon. This is why I say "Hell" is existence. Because it can get to this.

I was waiting for the day this would end, but now I'm really tired of even waiting. I just wish I was weaker, so that I couldn't cope and would just end it myself. But sadly, I'm not. Clearly, I have bad karma to pay. In this silent Hell. Where no one will really ever understand.

I miss you.

Hiding in plain sight...

Once upon a time,  there was a boy who existed on an almost insignificantly small dot of land in the middle of the exotic region of the ocean.. From the moment the medical practitioners made the mistake of realizing that he was more than just a cyst in the womb, it should have been evident that there was something amiss. This became more and more evident as this boy grew up. He developed too fast, knew too much. Didn't react like he should, even though he was also unrealistically sensitive. He started out with hope, that he wasn't a mistake- that he was only as different as someone else who existed. The innocence of childhood made the illusion easier to accept, for with it came the illusion that people were in the habit of being as good as they had the potential to be. However, as time wore on, he started to realise that this may not be the case. The nagging feeling of never fitting in wherever he was, eventually became painfully obvious...to him. He started to realise that, in a world which had started to accept deviance, he had transcended the limits of even this new found social culture of acceptance.

The problem with this story, is not that he was different. Or at least, that wasn't the main problem. The biggest problem perhaps, was the fact that for all his abnormality, he was able to pass off as no more different than anyone else. Sure, people might realise he was perhaps above-average intelligent. Maybe he seemed more kind and obliging that most. Perhaps there was something about his appearance that people would find appealing. But no one really *knew* how different he was. There were the occasional entrances into his life who made him believe that, perhaps, there were others like him. Be it because these people WERE actually more different than most, or due to the simple reason that he wished to believe so badly, he DID believe...for a while. However, it soon became obvious that for all their deviance, no one really came close to being as different as him. And unfortunately, part of his "uniqueness" was his natural ability to blend in, wherever he went. It was not so much conscious as instinctive, this chameleon-esque nature of his. So, he spent his time..a mistake, forced  to live a life he did not want, yet unable to break free because the only freedom to be found was that which was at the end.

Thus continues the story of the boy...if boy indeed he be. "Blessed" with the ability to understand all, but cursed to a life of never being truly understood. So there he was- a seemingly normal, well adjusted man-hiding in plain sight....

Out cold...

Unfortunately, the topic is not regarding the mundane incident of my black out post alcohol abuse. It is more indicative of the general emotional state that is fast becoming the norm.

My recent absence has been due to the many times my desires to come here and jot down some of my numerous takes on various situations have been unfulfilled due to the general pace of life, and also technological difficulties (more like "difficulty", specifically the malfunction of the previous version of the editor in this site!), but mainly I guess its the anti-social sentiments which are creeping in on some unexplained level. Long story short, this post is way overdue (even though it won't really attempt to minimize the effects of the absence).

This is probably the paragraph where I whine about life in general, but.. that is when I remember I can't get myself to care anymore. I despise the increasing regularity with which life sharpens the bitterness I have carried for far too long. I'm fast becoming numb to the point of not having the energy or the inclination to bother to even complain anymore. The general sentiment is cold indifference, and a lack of energy or inclination to even care about THAT. If not for a handful of people who mean the world to me, (specially one, who's taken me by surprise- to put it lightly) I probably would be past feeling the need to blog, which actually would have been scary not so long ago; but not anymore.. What it means, even I'm not aware of.. Only time will tell I guess....

Life goes on.. I no longer look ahead, nor behind.. Its supposedly to be the most prudent form of existence, but its unnaturalness is leaving me feeling anything but. Life has now become a "take each day as it comes", with the inclusion of "and don't give a fuck".  Mind, I would not complain in the least if even a little smidgen of positivity that this mentality is supposed to be accompanied by comes my way, but then- nothing new there is it?? Life has never been in a generous mood when it comes to giving me my due.. Or maybe I have just set my expectations too high? (which would be ironic, considering that I can't discern what my expectations ARE anymore, leave alone evaluate the feasibility of the same).

I await the day when I can recover a semblance of "normalcy" which I have a vague recollection of once having within my grasp. But my fingers aren't crossed. It may come, it may not; quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So we'll see how it goes..  Let us see what the future holds in this, my cursed existence........

To be human..

There are so many things people take for granted about themselves.. The more 'natural' and 'mundane' the particular quality or trait, the less people realise the possibility of losing it.. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if what I'm about to say qualifies as one of those things, because it is so basic and intrinsic of human nature, that it may not (under normal circumstances) be something that can disappear.. Yet this is, once again, about me- and I'm not sure I quite make the cut for 'normal'- that may very well be an unattainable promotion..

What makes us human? Some say its the ability to feel another's pain.. Some say its to not be perfect.. Others have so many varying and sometimes contrasting views, that I do not quite care to list them down.. But the question is, what about the ability to be affected by what happens to you? Is that an essential requirement of being human? Empathy is most often thought to be a true human quality, but empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.. What about for oneself? Is it necessary? What if one loses that ability, to be affected as one should? What then?

I've always known I was different.. Always felt a bystander, a person pretending to be who he technically is.. I can feel another's pain, but I'm beginning to lose the sensation of my own.. My reactions to events have become just that- reactions.. Rather than create a chain of emotion of either happiness or sadness, there is only the initial reaction- which lasts maybe the length of time it takes for a small nap, like a thread desperately grasped at which nonetheless slips through my fingers.. I know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, and how I'm SUPPOSED to react.. The problem is, day by day, I feel more and more that its becoming harder and harder to be what I'm SUPPOSED to be.. 

All my life, I've felt like I'm not supposed to be here- like I'm some colossal mistake, or some cosmic joke.. Just some prank or the result of a misguided attempt at a quick fix on some mega-scale system failure.. I used to have dreams, which I felt were the only way I could still keep believing myself to be just like everyone else, and somehow feel like I have a place.. Now it seems painfully obvious that I need to accept reality.. I am who I am, and whatever I believe, I can't change it.. I will always be the exception, never quite understood, and (as alarming as this last one is, especially) fast losing my ability to actively participate, since it seems more and more that my feelings are merely a mimic of those which belong to people around me, and not entirely my own; my own seem to be lost.. Honestly, I wonder if I'm still ABLE to feel, for myself; If I have any emotions left, emotions that go further than automatic initial reactions which die no sooner they appear.. Its the equivalent of a dead limb moving when prodded, only to fall back to its original position; dead, cold, and dysfunctional.. I'm not even entirely sure thats a bad thing, or if there IS a good and bad anymore.. I've been given a life (for whatever the reason) and I've to do whatever necessary to maintain it.. That seems to be all I know anymore.. I guess as always, I shall accept it, and move on.. For there is no point in lusting after what clearly is not supposed to be mine.. 

Dawn of yet another year..........

So, the strangest beginning to a new annum I have yet come across, it feels like I am walking in the middle of chaos; of so many things happening around me, somewhat like the eye of the storm, yet somehow throughly detached. It seems I maybe able to add "dyslexic" to my self-description, which if proven (while solving the one major conundrum I've been plagued by, relating to an inexplicably constant failure) will come with its own set of new complications. But we cannot change what is, and as I'm fast becoming accustomed to, I shall accept and deal with the consequences of the new knowledge when I have indeed proven it to be so. However, this post is about the year that we have stepped into, so I shall delve into as much...

It is strange, for me, who has been used to a semblance of an ordinary life, to step into a new year as I have this time; a "new" year brings with it, usually, many dreams, aspirations, the sense of getting another chance, a "new beginning...... in short, it comes with much hope. What we individually hope for defers from person to person, and what may have been important to me, may not mean much to you. Yet, strangely, this year comes with no such hope for me. I think I should explain that this doesn't mean that I've lost hope, that I've become so cynical that I can see no future; it means something else completely. I  wouldn't expect this to be understood, truth be told, yet I wish to record the "emotions" (if they can be called as such) as best I can for future reference. So let me try to elaborate...

I have no "hope", because for there to be hope, there must be wants and/or needs. It is generally such an inherently ingrained trait of humanity, that it is indeed difficult to look at one's life devoid of it. Yet here I am, all of a sudden lacking that fundamental characteristic, which we all take for granted. As to what impact a lack of reason for hope would have on my "humanity", I'd rather not contemplate. Yet, it is what it is... Here I stand, peering into the unknown depths of a fresh annum, with a lack of hope.. It is indeed strange, to be of such a neutral persuasion, but what can one do but see things as they are? I'm quite certain most people have already pinned this outlook as "cynical" and being a by-product of becoming unexpectedly and suddenly single; I have not, and have decided not to, bother to correct them, as I shall not bother to further explain how being "neutral" and "cynical" are two completely different things.

This, however, has afforded me with an advantage; I am now able to take each day at a time, and deal with things as they come. When one has no expectations, one has no disappointment; while many (admittedly like myself not so long ago!!) try to avoid expectation in order to avoid disappointment, as with all things, the mere "want" to avoid expectation is far from enough to actually be successful in avoiding it. This is, of course, an observation I make now, as I simply do not have expectations (as opposed to shunning expectation through a conscious effort), yet even the limited success one achieves at avoiding expectation is valuable, so one must not give it up, if disappointment is so strongly loathed!!

All things said and done, I face the year with no hope- yet, strangely, I do not feel empty as one might expect to feel in my position. It is interesting that I am still able to relate to another's emotions, and able to be useful as a friend/family member, or sometimes even merely as an acquaintance (yes, I still do feel the occasional need or want to help someone if I feel I can, and this sometimes includes acquaintances as well!!); yet personally, I merely have started seeing life as a journey that one is on, and as such one must do what is necessary to continue on that journey as best one can. Where my journey will take me, I've suddenly stopped worrying about, and while it is strange, I feel no worry or doubt; I am content. So, in conclusion, life continues.......

Human nature, and "change"...

"Change"... Inevitable; relentless; a fundamental part of probably the most accurate oxymoron of all time, which is the fact that "change is the only constant". It is the way of the world, the way of life itself. We see it all around, experience it on a daily basis, yet are unable to come to terms with it when even after so many opportunities to. It is (arguably) the single most debilitating yet unavoidable phenomenon we will ever encounter.

I have one particular thought that seems to be contradictory to the general opinion, though; that people never truly change. Of course, "change" can mean many things, and (obviously!) as biological beings we "change" (dare I say "decay?") over time, so I am not arguing with what is clearly a fact. What I do, however, disagree with is the idea that people change "inherently"; which is to say I do not believe that a person can become someone that they were/are not. As easy as that would be to believe, especially given the many instances in life that would be so much easier to understand if we WERE to so believe, I do not subscribe to this theory. This is mainly due my nature, which does give an interesting and somewhat useful insight into human nature. Therefore, these are my thought on this topic with regards possibly the most integral part of that nature, which would be relationships; I have given special prominence to "the relationship", which is that which we look to form with our "life partner", if things were to be ideal...

Time and time again I have seen "change" becoming a mis-diagnosis for development or increased maturity (or the lack thereof). When someone says "He/she has changed", what they actually mean is that they did not understand the person at the time they thought they did, as being the person they now understand that person to be; The person in question has not "changed", where the person was of a certain nature when you met them but has become a completely different person with the passing of time; but rather it is you who has not understood that person for who he/she IS, initially. This is a combination of various problems....

Firstly, people tend to prematurely assume they "know" another person; they assume that a few months, or years, is enough to know the PERSON. (This is has become quite obvious to me, given that  many people think they know me though they are unlikely to EVER know me; this being so, however much I wish it were otherwise!) So I think the first problem is this assumption. This is what leads to many people believing someone has "changed", because they assume they knew the person in the first place! The actual situation is  that they simply did not understand the person for who they were, and with time they have gained that knowledge which contradicts their initial perception. So my advice first up would be to understand how long, and how much effort it takes to truly understand who a person is inherently.

On a personal note, might I add that one of the FIRST questions we must answer in our lives is "Who am I??". Experience has taught me that, the fact that people give so little thought to this question, leads to their perception of themselves misleading others (like myself), by crippling our intuition with blatant statements that were ill thought out. As a person, before embarking on an important relationship, one must know oneself; only then will there be a possibility of connecting with another, as that will allow the other person to see if their instinctive analysis tallies with your interpretation of yourself. Because people like myself who are aware of who we are, have the potential to understand you completely, but chances are we will expect you to know yourself; so much so that we will take your word of who you are over our own instinctive analysis of you, because we couldn't POSSIBLY know you better than you know yourself, right?? So, before you tell someone (who may be like me!!) something that they are likely to believe, in spite of their better judgement, make sure you know yourself enough to make such a blatant statement.

The second problem is that people misjudge a stage of development of a person  as that which defines them. It is astounding how inaccurate age is in judging a person's maturity, as it is completely possible for the general "norm" to be completely wrong. So what one must understand is that the most salient question is whether, whatever happens, you are willing to make that person a priority in your life based on your knowledge of the person inherently. Notice I say "knowledge", as opposed to "assumption" or who you "think" a person is. When you know, you know; there is no other way to explain it. There will be no doubt in your mind, that you completely understand who another person is. 

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, people need to wrap their heads around the concept of "Love". Many people believe that the love one feels towards one's partner, is different to that which one feels towards the people with whom one forms "platonic" relationships, such as those with family and possibly one or two close friends; I completely disagree. While I concede that sometimes the emotions are so completely wrapped together that it is difficult to decipher one from the other, "Love" should not be confused with "romantic attraction" (which I feel is the best way to explain it). If you fall "in love" with a person, that means that the romantic attraction you feel towards that person has led to you loving that person, which is to say that you have completely and irrevocably set aside your "self" to care for that person. Its EXACTLY the same emotion that you would feel towards your family, and those few friends that you let yourself get so close to, only with the addition of romantic attraction to the mix. So the only difference, is that circumstance does not dictate a "limit" to how attached you can become to that person. It does not mean that it is a different kind of love that you feel, merely that it accompanies a non-platonic attraction which is not present in a platonic relationship.

Let me add yet another personal experience here; "romantic attraction" is not as important as it is thought to be. Its sad that people refer to it as "love", because it has so little to do with a successful relationship; because "love" is the key; the fundamental ingredient. The non-platonic feelings may come and go, and (through personal experience I know that) it is more choice than uncontrollable; and it is not an essential ingredient to love another person. If you've lived your life believing that you need to be romantically attracted to another person in order to be able to love that person, you'd be wrong. The thing is, anything short of true love will fade and die with time, sometimes due to no particular fault of any one person; it may be rekindled, or not, as circumstance and subconscious necessity dictate. True love, however, will never die a natural death; because only futility or permanent separation can destroy it, which means it can only be "killed" by circumstance or conscious action on the part of the subject of it. So the concept of "falling out of love" is possibly the most common misconception to have become a cliche. So there you have it, further evidence that "change" is not part of human nature, rather a characteristic of circumstance surrounding one's life at a particular time.

So, as I said at the beginning of the post, I do not believe that people "change"; neither do I believe that one can "fall out of love". Human nature is understandable, if only we pay close enough attention to it; and it does not accommodate true, inherent "change"..

Walking through a vivid haze of emotion.....

Have you ever been in a crowded place, yet felt totally and utterly alone?? Have you ever felt like you're hearing not what someone is saying, but the thoughts or emotions behind the words, even when the words are (at times) the complete opposite? Do you feel like you can understand everyone, whoever they are, sometimes within the space of  just one conversation? Have you experienced another's mental or physical pain so acutely, that you wonder if its merely a figment of your imagination?? Ever felt like you were merely mimicking a reaction that you feel those around you would expect, because you instinctively know you should?? Do you always find some way to feel sympathize with everyone, even going so far as seeing the reason someone is  abusive, mean or hateful?Welcome, to my world....

A very recent incident which had me wonder HOW it was that one could literally FEEL another's pain, led to a discussion with a close relative, who (probably jokingly) suggested something to me. While I didn't take it seriously at first (as I doubt that even she had), a little research later, I now know that I am what is called an Empath. I won't go into the specifics, as it's quite difficult to describe (and will probably be unbelievable anyway!). But so much about me finally makes sense. However, there is one thing that I might need to mention here (unless you have seen it through my posts) in order for the rest of this post to be clear; I am a highly introspective and adaptable person. Which is why I feel I have managed to circumvent (to a degree) what so many others have suffered because of this anomaly that I am. Yet there are certain things that I still need to work on, chief among them being my ability to be ego-centric when necessary; for I seem to have become almost entirely focussed on those few people who I hold dear, that I sometimes forget to look after myself. Its difficult to explain, and I doubt anyone who has not experienced these feelings will likely understand or even believe the possibility, but there you are... Thats what life is like for me....

I feel it important to note here that I am not looking for sympathy, neither am I implying that I am a gift to the human race; I am what I am. I could deny it, but denial is apparently not healthy. And to those of you who are thinking "WOW, must be AWESOME to feel another persons emotions!!" and thinking on the lines of the X-men or a warped version of Heroes, stop. It is by no means anything even CLOSE to that. Or maybe it is, in a sense, because I have always felt a strange connection to the feelings of alienation which was depicted especially well in X-men. And let me tell you, it is NOT controllable by a mere thought. Its not something where I can easily differentiate between my emotions and another's; it takes years of being able to analyse accurately whether the emotion I am feeling is correct given the experiences which led up to it, to be able to distinguish between one's own and another's emotions. Also, I cannot explain the draw that I feel if ever I feel someone is in some sort of emotional pain, be it long or short term. And unfortunately, I now realise that people have felt that, which is the reason they generally feel completely comfortable talking to me, and tend to divulge their life stories to me without much thought. I always wondered as to what about me made people think I would be the helpful sort, to walk up to me to ask for directions; to feel that I am "safe", which to me was fast beginning to seem like an euphemism for "sterile"; to be willing to answer any of my (sometimes personal) questions when I felt that need to help someone; to trust me, even though they could not POSSIBLY know me enough to know I was trust-worthy. I guess now I have my answers. Unfortunately though, as is the characteristic of most answers, it raises as many questions as it answers.

I have always felt like I'm on the outside, looking in.. Now that I think about it, it would seem like my adaptability is the reason for the alienation; I can fit anywhere, but this comes with the price of belonging nowhere. It would seem similar to the predicament of a bat- part bird, part mammal, yet not entirely belonging to either species.

So here I stand, significantly ahead of where I started, yet with an endless distance to go..... So on I walk, through the vivid haze of emotions, that is my life....

Wants, needs, hope and happiness of a Spoon....

What are words but a method of expression? A means for communicating ideas; thoughts; emotions?? It stands to reason therefore, that this would mean each word would have a slightly different definition for each person in his/her use. Let me tell you what my interpretation/definition of these words are, in order for the idea put forward to make best sense...

I would say "want" is a desire without necessity, which is to say to want something is to desire something that you do not need. Please note that I use the lack of necessity as a means to distinguish "want" from "need", as they are two very closely linked, and on occasion interchangeable concepts. I'm sure you've figured out by now that "need" is necessity, as in something that is necessary; however, I use necessity here in a general sense, and not in a context with any limitation. "Hope" in my opinion, would embody a (at times futile) wish for reality to be as one wishes it to be. And finally, the most elusive of all words, in my opinion- "Happiness". What is happiness?? It is such an elusive concept, that I will only be able to use it as I see it, and furthermore this is where the definition of the other three words come in; because it is difficult to explain happiness without the use of the words I have defined... So let me start thus....

If you've read my posts, you would have realised that I am a somewhat intense, emotional and cryptic person (to put it lightly). Something you should know about me is that I took badly the end of my solitary romantic relationship. It took me a long time to figure things out afterwards, and to be honest I think it's more by chance than anything that I stumbled across the explanation; one which adequately dispelled the misconceptions I had, attributing to "love" the credit that was due elsewhere. But it did not change the fact that I WAS happy during, but not after its end. So, having (recently!) understood that I possibly MADE myself believe that there was something special, or having mistaken it to be so, I tried to figure out what the difference was. Which is when I realised what my relationship with that person embodied; which showed me what "happiness" is to me. I doubt that I can adequately define "Happiness" as I did the others, but I will (within the course of this post) TRY.

I now see that what I thought my relationship embodied was two things; being "needed", and being understood. I now realise that I was something between "wanted" and "needed", which I guess I did not let myself see. I already knew that understanding was something I mistakenly expected, yet its funny how many things one decides to ignore, if only to "hope" for something that may never be. As soon as it ended, I (obviously!) jumped to the conclusion that I had missed the one opportunity I had in life for happiness, but now I see I was merely consoling myself with the lesser "evil",if you will; that I had not found what I thought I had. I guess there was some solace in the belief that there HAD BEEN a chance (even if there isn't anymore) of happiness, than going back to wondering if there ever WILL be a chance of it. Yet here I am...

So my definition of "happiness" has become clear to me. The only thing my happiness would require is to be "needed". I now also realise that being understood (at least in part) is merely a necessity in order to be needed. Why I say understanding is necessary, is because how can anyone know they need someone, if they cannot understand this person enough to see that he is that "someone" they need?? Its like seeing a lawn-mower when you're looking for something to cut the grass with, but not knowing what it is, or what its used for!! This is why I sometimes wish I could be satisfied with being "wanted"; you can become someone that another person would "want". But to be needed, you would have to be unique, in a way that you satisfy someone's "need" in its entirety. By need here I mean that thing we all are looking for, even though we don't quite know how to explain it; I'm by no means talking about being "everything" to someone, as that would be absurd.

This brings me to my "hope" in the pursuit of "happiness"; I "hope" to be understood someday, by someone who "needs" me. This comes with the crushing realisation that time and time again, I have always been misunderstood; and that there is nothing I can offer, which someone else cannot. Which is to say what am I, but a spoon at a table?? A mere implement, whose necessity is circumstantial; a circumstance, which will change with time. Once the meal is done, the requirement for the spoon is no longer there. It would be fine if the spoon was the only one of its kind, and the regular need for meals would mean that it would have a purpose; but to be one in a pile of cutlery? What would happen when it gets to the bottom of the pile? When there are so many spoons on top, what would be the requirement for one particular spoon as opposed to another??

At the moment there are four people at the table, and the spoon finds happiness in being passed around when each of those four people need to eat. But this happiness is slightly dented by the knowledge that none of these people are likely to remain at the table, and that the meal will end; at which point chances are that this particular spoon will end at the bottom of the pile sooner or later, to be replaced by a quantity of different spoons. Possibly the most difficult parting for the spoon will be the one person who brought the spoon to the table, for that person will only leave the table after her last meal. The spoon already sees its use dwindling as the meals of two people draw to an end, and if the third person will return to this table is left to be seen. Try as it may, it can only suppress the impending loss through "hope" that things will not be so. Yet what shall be, is a question of the future.. Till then, the spoon continues to be useful...

Buddhism, and a perspective on Death...

There are certain times in life where you re-evaluate and try to find meaning in this existence. This is not so much the practical thing to do, as it is more a reaction to circumstance. So, by way of introduction, suffice it to to say that this is one such time (I refrain from explaining further in respect of another's privacy, for reasons that I'd rather not try to explain). I also say at the outset that this is merely my view, and anyone is free to disagree as they please; what I do not want is a psychoanalysis of what is to come, because its a personal perspective. If you agree and feel there is something positive in what is said, you are free to take whatever this has to offer. If you do not, please respect my wishes not to merit opinion, and forget you read this.

I'm not entirely sure I can be said to be of a particular religious persuasion. What I WILL say, though, is that Buddhism or the teachings of Lord Buddha (I say Lord here as a mark of respect for one who I feel has understood Life) is the one philosophy I agree with. You will note that I say "agree" here instead of "believe", because that is what it is; I agree with how he saw things. What my understanding of the concept and teachings of Lord Buddha is that it is an analysis of what IS, rather than the REASON for the way things are. In essence, his teachings embody understanding of our surroundings in every sense of the word, without trying to find a MEANING to existence. Therefore, the very statement "I believe in Buddhism" is a clear indication that the concept has not been understood. I am by no means criticizing Buddhists who think so, merely observing a misunderstanding. "Belief" means acceptance with the lack of proof, and the perceived requirement of proof itself is indicative of a misunderstanding. Lord Buddha advocated UNDERSTANDING, not BELIEF. And this he taught through awareness, which is the analysis of things as they are; as in present tense. There is nothing to BELIEVE, but rather to UNDERSTAND and BE AWARE of. That is why Buddhism is not a religion, but a philosophy. True, belief in his teachings will lead to a better life, which in turn will lead to progression towards the truth; however, the problem lies in the fact that belief is trying to gain understanding through another's perspective. My view is that Lord Buddha understood this eventuality as well, which is why he used simple examples to illustrate, and went a step further to state what he saw as correct. But the true principle unfortunately eludes most of us.

Here is my view of Life (which, I will admit, has stemmed from the teachings of Lord Buddha, but which at some point deviated and became my own personal experience). Life is inexplicable, in the sense I cannot explain what Life is to you. I can only know what Life means to ME, as life itself is a personal and solitary journey. So to understand Life, one must understand it for oneself. By "understand", I do not by any means imply that there is a PURPOSE. On the contrary, there is no purpose to life. There is, though, a reason. And the reason is (to me) the capacity to "feel". Feeling is an inexplicable thing, though at times one can make another understand that feeling through the inducement of similar thought. The reason for feeling is in turn, the attachments we form. Attachment comes in many ways and forms, be it material attachment to physical items, to attachments we form with our family and friends. The key, I believe, is the understanding of the futility of such attachments; that there is no REASON for attachment in terms of one's existence, and that attachments are made to be broken. Once one can truly comprehend the meaning of this, the necessity to form attachments ceases to exist. This in turn leads to one's "being" having no more reason to continue in the endless cycle of Life, which in turn leads to the conclusion of one's existence. This, I believe is what Lord Buddha termed "Nirvana", and which I believe Christians call "Heaven", and so on...

And now to the all important question; I'm sure you are asking where in this cycle do I fit? Even as you ask, I'm sure you have come to a conclusion as to where you think I believe myself to fit, which I'm sure you have already concluded is going to be wrong. I shall not comment on this, but rather just tell you where I think I fit; I would fit in the category of knowing what I NEED to understand, but still not being able to comprehend it. I have yet to understand the true futility of attachment, as I still feel that that is my "purpose". I have come to terms, to some extent, with the finite nature of attachment, but only as a means of dealing with the inevitable end to it. I still cannot avoid attachment, as I still cannot comprehend the unnecessary nature of it, to not feel the need to form it. So that is where I think I fit. I will leave it at that.

And finally, the main reason that sparked this post- the all important end to a phase in the cycle of Life. This is what we call "Death". Many cultures, religions and philosophies attempt to season us to this impending end, yet the concept of attachment and the lack of understanding is yet to let us open our eyes. I write as one who is well aware, for all his apparent understanding, that he is among the blind. But Life is an effective, albeit harsh, teacher and it has led to my contemplation of the subject often. It is my understanding that life is merely a phase in the journey towards the conclusion of our individual existence. I don't agree with the concept of "hell" or at least in the concept of "regression" on that journey. I merely understand that there is action and reaction within the phase of life, and that is what we call "Karma and Effect". It does not stretch from one life to the next, apart from deciding to what degree one progresses towards the conclusion of one's existence. Once we experience and understand something, it cannot be undone; which means that our actions in the phase of life is either a step forward, or us standing still. It is true that if you intentionally cause harm to another, the imbalance created will be corrected by harm coming our way, but that is it; nothing lost,nothing gained. In short, creatin a negative impact on another's existence is an exercise in futility.

So where does all this lead? Well, my final thoughts (to which all this was background), is that our conscious existence and attachments are limited to each phase in our journey, a phase which we call "Life". We form attachments, we let ourselves be controlled by our emotions, we learn... In short, we live. Death is merely another beginning to another existence, which means that which we had to offer and that which we had to learn in that particular phase is completed. Once the lesson is learnt, and those lessons we have brought with us have been taught, we move on. To another existence, to another lesson, to another class. It is for those of us who are left, in that phase where the attachment was formed, to come to terms with the void created, to learn the lessons we have yet to learn, and to teach the lessons we came to teach; It is those of us, to struggle to come to terms with the fact that Death is but a beginning for the person departed . The comprehension in itself is an personal experience, which cannot be shouldered by another (believe me, I have been there, wishing this wasn't so). My only hope is that this may be some sort of comfort to anyone who has had to go through this, by way of helping them understand; and I hope that I will also be among those capable of seeing things in this light when the inevitable happens.

Finally, this post is dedicated to all those who have lost someone near and dear to them, in whichever way that may be. Just remember, you are not alone.............

Musings on female self-esteem....

So yet another issue which I feel is in severe need of examination, is the self esteem of women; I would like to mention here that I will be narrating the perspective of a guy, with which I'm sure most guys DO agree, at the very least subconsciously. If they don't, that is merely because they feel it not "becoming" of a man to admit feelings like these! ;)

I have always found it to be a lost cause trying to explain to women that they are beautiful as they are, and that they do not need to feel that they are not. I understand that there are some who are actually "blessed" (or is it cursed?) with "beauty" which is more widely accepted than others, but what I find unfathomable is how even THEY have issues with their self esteem!! This has made me analyse the issue from the valuable perspective of the male, who (admittedly or otherwise!) is the main reason that women feel the need to be beautiful.

Before I go further, a few clarifications to be made- if you are the type of girl who is looking for the attention of men everywhere you go, this article (from the conclusion of this paragraph onwards) will be of little value to you. I am by no means passing judgement, just stating that this is more relevant for those who are looking for that one person who they can share the rest of their lives with. Such attention can indeed only be gained by what you have been told that guys "look for", and frankly I don't think it's worth the effort or even much thought to be honest. So my advice?? Don't bother, because it's not worth it! As a guy, who is incapable of ignoring true physical beauty (albeit in much less absurd proportions than what magazines would have you believe!!), I know that if the roles were reversed, I would not bother or try to get the kind of attention I find myself giving, in that situation, because its not really that great. Not that this kind of attention is vulgar (though I'm sure it DOES on occasion attract THAT sort of attention as well!!); just that it's not really worth the effort it takes to gain it, if indeed you do take a lot of effort to. Remember, if it takes no effort at all, there is yet another problem in the wings; that you will be viewed for what you SEEM to be than who you are, which will eventually lead to complications.

If, however, you are a woman who wants to look good to attract the right kind of attention, the attention that we give when we are really interested in you, and start to not see anyone else but you, and start to feel the that we've found what we were looking for, then I am definitely talking to you. I have been that guy, and having been that guy , let me tell you what you should do; STOP!! You have to realise that there is nothing you need to DO or BE to catch our attention. We are not going to give up seriously looking at another woman as potential candidates to share the rest of our lives with, simply on an impression that we might get initially. What is important is that we will see you for who you are if you let us, and our initial impression has no bearing on our feelings towards you before or after we make that choice. We may oogle at a woman we call consider "hot" or "sexy" (translation- "slutty" in your language!!;)), or "pretty" or "cute", but it will only be a fleeting thing; we are not seriously considering them for anything long term (I'm not oblivious to the short-term angle to this situation!!). However, when we fall in love, we will see no-one BUT you. We may have said it before, and if you somehow feel you want someone else and we are forced to look elsewhere, we may say it to someone else as well; but it is completely true, at the time we say it, and will remain so as long as you choose to accept our undying devotion (which, incidentally, we ARE capable of!!). I'm not saying we will be totally unable to admire another women who is physically attractive, but what I AM saying is it will have become a disconnected third-person view, as we might see a beautiful painting. This other woman or women hold no ATTRACTIVE appeal to us anymore. So what I'm saying is looks and first impressions don't really have any bearing on the way we can, or will feel about you in the future; so please, stop putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety about how you look, or appear! We ARE capable of looking past all that, and we DO in fact do just that when we meet you. The important thing is that we connect with you, and if we connect with you to the level that we DO in fact feel we can fall in love with you, looks and impressions will have NOTHING to do with it. And if and when we DO fall in love with you, you will become the most stunningly gorgeous, the most capable and the most amazing woman we have ever met, and this will NEVER change; even after years of monotony, pregnancy fat, constant nagging, seeing you at your worst, or even after seeing you every day for the rest of our lives! So please don't be insensitive enough to tell us that what we think does not count, because it hurts for us to think that our opinion is not the most important to you, which in turn makes us feel inadequate. When you disregard our approval in favor of other's, we are wonder why it would matter so much to you, if we barely notice anyone else but you. So if you feel that way, might I suggest that you take the time to seriously re-evaluate what it means, that our perception of you is not that important to you?

I think in essence what I'm trying to say is that you are indeed beautiful, and there will be someone who will see it, and be completely content to be with you for it. Don't try to alter your natural beauty unnecessarily, because it will make us fall for who you SEEM to be, which will most certainly end up hurting either or both. And even if you (like most women!) are not satisfied with that, my question is- what does it matter?? So what if there are people who you think look better than you?? So what if some people don't think you are beautiful? So what if you feel you don't fall into the norm of what people think is beauty??SO WHAT?? I don't think I fall into any particular norm myself, but I never worry about it. I have other worries, but that is a whole different topic entirely. Why would you worry about something that has no bearing on what you are looking for? And if there is indeed at least one (or maybe more than one) person who will admire YOUR beauty as it is, and who has been looking for exactly that kind of beauty, does it matter what the majority think??

And I'm sure you've heard it before, but NEVER believe a magazine. It is not fact, it is fiction. We do not like size zero figures (unless you are that naturally!!), we do NOT care what size or shape your breasts are, we are not particularly worried that your hips to midriff ratio is not that of a hourglass, nor how big or shapely your posterior is, and we do NOT think that "fashion" always (if EVER) looks good. We know you may have "tires" or "love handles", or weight in the wrong places, and some of us even expect (dare I say appreciate??) hair (you heard me!!) in all the places that they are supposed to be (ok, so MAYBE with the exception of legs in MY case!!:D). The point is, it DOES NOT matter, so don't let anyone tell you any different. Be yourself, and don't care too much about what others think. Because I can guarantee you that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for you, and your impression that you need to do something more to find that person is redundant. Just concentrate on a honest and straightforward impression of yourself, and let fate do the rest!!

I'm hoping that being a guy, me saying this will mean more than coming from the many women I'm sure have said the same thing in different ways. And to all the women who can relate, here's to YOU!!:)

The Bicentennial Man, a Master’s thesis, Programmable Evolution and the Apocalypse....

Yes, I know, the topic is seemingly so random; what the HELL am I on about one may think?? Where exactly is the connection in these four seemingly random things?? Well, if you decided to bear with me, let me explain...

Just the other day I was out judging some debates; which, in spite of making me feel old, generally serves as a means for meeting interesting and diverse people who (like myself!) somehow find themselves judging debates (of all things!) on a Sunday morning. One such conversation is what led to this post....

I was speaking to the one person out of the lot of us who is not in the field of Law. Incidentally, it turned out that he had completed his Master’s thesis on the theoretical simulation of Artificial Intelligence. This has, incidentally, been a topic that has always caught my imagination, and that is what re-ignited this train of thought.

The concept of simulation of Artificial Intelligence has indeed intrigued me from the beginning, as I’m sure it has so many others. I should mention here that by AI I am not talking about programmable systems which masquerade as AI, but rather AI in its truest form- the artificial reproduction of Intelligence; the ability to actually think in the same capacity as a Human (which we believe to be the highest “intelligence”, which is arguable!). This particular person, who I consider to be a genius of sorts, has (as far as is my understanding) forwarded the idea that AI may be achieved by arranging basic circuits that stimulate human neurons in a particularly intricate, yet dynamic pattern. In short, it is his idea that in the pattern lays the simulation of intelligence. His thesis is of course far more complex than I care to elaborate on, if I indeed CAN, so I shall stop at the basic principle. This is in fact an interesting and THEORETICALLY plausible idea, albeit seemingly not practically viable. But it is indeed a thought in the right direction, considering the progress up to date. However, as I have no academic knowledge to support my ideas, from here on I will continue on an entirely unsupported and unsubstantiated basis.

In my many (useless!) ponderings on the subject, my idea is that evolution is what would be required if we were to re-create intelligence artificially. It is of course nothing more than a general idea, but in simulating evolution, we should be able to achieve artificial intelligence in its truest form eventually. And this is where the movie “The Bicentennial Man” comes in...

If you have not watched it, and if you are in fact fascinated with the whole concept of AI as I am, I suggest you watch it. It is a movie that beautifully encapsulates what it is to be human, and how the finite nature of our existence plays a fundamental role in our humanity. Rather than delve into the nitty-gritty’s of Artificial Intelligence itself, the movie chooses to focus more on the implication of AI once it has been successfully achieved. In my humble opinion, it has done a wonderful job.

This in turn led me to the last and most disturbing realisation- how useless and potentially devastating such a success would be on humanity. Honestly, why would we spend so much time, effort and resources in trying to develop something which nature has successfully produced for eons? And is it not disturbing, to associate “Artificial” and “Intelligent” together? In essence, we would be creating something that, once created, would be beyond our control. I’ve heard many theories on the Apocalypse, but I’m starting to believe that success in this fruitless and un-necessary endeavour of achieving Artificial intelligence sounds by far the most possible end to the world (our world) as we know it!

So there you have it, my theory on the Apocalypse! :)

A small insight into my personality....

SO I realised that while I’ve been quite explicit on certain issues I’ve analyzed, that there is very little on here about me. This, of course, stems from yet another......wait for it........realisation!!:D (I know, enough already, right?? ;)ROFL!)

I’m not going into a lengthy discussion of explaining myself, rather I’m going into a lengthy discussion of one particular thing. People who know me have probably noticed this, and would probably go “Like DUH!!” but the truth is, till it’s said, I doubt anyone quite put a finger on it.....

I’m generally a very patient person, and there isn’t much that gets under my skin. There is one particular thing though- and that is when people either lie, or hide the truth from me. I take it as a personal insult to my intelligence, my rationality, and further as making decisions for me (which, incidentally, is something ELSE I loathe!). How is it equal to a decision made on my behalf? Well, simply, because the decision not to tell me something (especially when I DIERECTLY ask about it!) is made on the basis that that person feels they know how I would react; that they know what is better for me; so much so that they know even better than ME whether I will want to know, or if I SHOULD know. I personally think that if it’s something which relates to me, I have a right to know. If I directly ask someone about something that directly affects me, I feel they should be obliged to tell me. It is a continuous nagging itch in my side, when such a thing happens. I think time and time again I have proven that I’m more rational than average, that people NEVER quite expect my reaction, and that telling me generally (and surprisingly!) improves the situation rather than complicates it. And on occasion, not telling me has proven to be the CAUSE of the problem, to the extent that if I was told before, unnecessary tension and stress could have been avoided. So, what I cannot fathom is why people would not TELL me straight, what exactly is going on!!

And who, when they do this, annoy me the most you may ask?? Well, ironically, the people who are closest to me!! Of course it’s easy to forgive them when they had my interests at heart, and when they’ve properly gauged my reaction. I, of course, can’t blame those people who do not know me for not telling me things straight up, because (evidently!) they don’t know me!!:P But, those few who I’d give life and limb for?? Who I’d walk through hell and back for?? It is so hard to forgive them. Sometimes I wish they would understand that the very fact that I will always be there for them in almost any capacity they’d need me, is the very reason that they shouldn’t be worried about being brutally honest and straight with me!

Sometimes, all it takes is the plain, unadulterated truth to solve a problem, which exists because of the lack or withholding of information. I appreciate that some things seem like they cannot be told, and sometimes you want to deny the truth simply because you cannot justify it to yourself. But there are times in life where we must share our burdens with others, and maybe, just maybe, they will understand, forgive and accept you for who you are. Sometime, that which you think is a grave mistake, or an unimaginable wrong, may be something that needn’t have worried you, once shared. And sometimes, there will be people who will support you whenever you need them, and your only fault will have been that you didn’t trust them. Sometime, there will be people who will make everything ok, as long as you trust your feelings and intimate naked moments with them. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I’d like to think that sometimes, to a very small group of people, I AM that person. There is nothing that saddens me more, in the spirit of being misunderstood, than when I’m not seen to be that person by those few..... There is nothing that I could wish for more, than that I could change that. But as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!! (Rue full smile!)